A lot of pubs do food, it helps them stay open oftentime. Bums on seats, more liquid consumed. But not all pub menus come equally. So what, if you were to open a pub, would be the best port of call? Well, that’s what I’ve been thinking about. I spend a lot of time in pubs and restaurants, and drinking and eating. I am very well qualified for this task, and I have the answers.
You need lunch to be different to dinner
All day menus are crap. Lunch can be a lighter affair, they can basically function as elevated bar snacks. People are more likely to pay for them, and also, you can make them easy to prepare, even by not chefs.
Lunch
Have a few pies from a very good pie maker in the glass cage that keeps them warm. Have three options: vegan one to keep everyone happy, and two others. I’d go for one classic like a steak and ale or chicken and mushroom, and then one that’s a bit different, like a chicken curry pie. Gives a bit of choice, is reliable, requires no cooking and not much washing up. Fiver or so? Reasonable, everyone wins.
Tinned fish on toast is the other and ultimate option. Get a handful, sardines, mussels, cockles, mackerel, whatever. It’s not going to go off is it, so just get a bunch of options and let guests choose the one they fancy (some will try and complete the menu eventually). Have a few spicy ones, obviously. Give them the tin opened on a plate with some good toast and a fucking nice dollop of butter. Serve it with crisps, maybe a small bit of salad. It’s ideal. Nobody on the planet wouldn’t want this unless they don’t eat fish, but fuck those people. Those people can have…
Olives. Reliable. Everyone in East London will suck you off for having good olives on the menu. If they’re hungry, there’s always the vegan pie, isn’t there. And for the very fussy, get carrots and hummus in. You can have it as a staff meal if you need to, carrots are cheap. A cheese board also works, just don’t make it twenty quid.
Dinner
Pubs shouldn’t do dinner. I said it. Generally it just clogs them up and makes it really really annoying to sink pints in. Plus it means everyone books tables. Miserable. But okay fine, if you’re going to do food, do not fuck about. I want perhaps six options, and you may as well, at that point, have curry. Thai, Indian, Malaysian, I don’t really care. Depends on the pub. But if you’ve got three curries of varying spice, a vegan option for all of them, and they’re served with a choice of rice or bread, and poppadoms, you’re not exactly going to go far wrong are you. And curry can be left low and slow all night, easy. If you want to do some snacks, for people who are just having drinks, don’t. Just do ‘bombay mix’. We need to bring ‘Bombay Mix’ back. Chips should never feature on the menu, people will put them in their Guinness and they just start fires. People can get them from a kebab on their way home. You can have desserts, like ice cream cookies you keep in the freezer; they work well.
Pubs are for drinking, gastropubs are for eating. This is perfect. End of discussion.