Fresh from the launch party for their vodka brand, Por Osos, best mates Tom Segura and Bert Kreischer look fresh as a daisy on our Zoom. They’re drinking from disposable cups sat in front of a whiteboard that’s packed with ideas for their hit podcast 2 Bears, 1 Cave. Famed for their no shit boy’s talk, the lads make no apologies as they suck me deep into debauchery.
“So good you can drink it from a paper cup,” says Bert. He’s referring to Por Osos. The boys are busy filming before heading off on separate comedy tours for the best part of the year. As individuals, they’re hilarious. Together, they’re absolute comedy carnage. If you’ve not watched their shows, you’ve not lived. Allow me to explain…
My afternoon prior to this interview was spent waiting for a biopsy. I was fucking miserable. It was my fourth hospital trip in three days. But then I hit the 2 Bears podcast. Oh, my, shit…
“You made me laugh out loud in a hospital waiting room as you recounted stories of innocent paragliders being dragged to their death,” I told Bert. “It’s so wrong, but it’s so fucking right! How do you get away with being such a bastard and taking the rest of us down with you?”
“We just see humour in all the crazy shit no one else dares to speak about,” says Bert. “It shouldn’t be, but it’s funny.”
I had to agree. And no, I didn’t want to cleanse myself of my new-found kicks for cuntishness.
I’ll continue to fight for your forgiveness... Did you ever go through a stage of watching weird porn? No? Don’t lie, you did! Not for dick kicks, just for the intrigue. Like that moment your mate asked you if you knew what scat was in class. Remember now? Don’t feel bad, 2 Bears is Bringing it back- and making it all okay again.
“We just haven’t grown up,” says Bert.
“Yeah, we paid one guy eighty dollars to take a shit and eat it,” Tom laughs. I suggest a new Podcast, “Shits for Tips”. Then I feel a theme coming on as I cast my mind back to the old man who appeared after the paraglider as I sat, innocently in that hospital waiting room, just trying to do my research. Not just an old man, but an old man shoving an orange up his arse. I mean, the lads had the decency to pixelate it, but I think I’d have rather just seen the whole picture to spare my mind from a state of full speed autopilot, throwing out visuals at me as Tom announces, “Sometimes he puts it in bread and eats it”. I ask Tom how he knows that. I mean, does he subscribe to this shit or something?
“I’m in a position where people just send me this stuff all day long,” he says. Wow. Lucky guy!
I felt as if I needed to straighten up a bit. But first I needed clarity on the topic of cum dumpsters. Otherwise known as your wife, mum, or gran, a cum dumpster is the brainchild of Tom, who describes women as “ball hogs who go down on their husbands to keep them happy at night”. I begin to ask, but thankfully, Bert interjects with a welcome dose of vanilla.
“I go to bed listening to podcasts on the French revolution,” he says. His Russian may not be up to scratch, but the comedic legend better known as “The Machine” definitely has a decent head between his shoulders. A quick google search will lead you to the YouTube video in which he performs a world class stand-up act that explains the school trip that lead to gangster shit that led to Netflix fame. But there’s more to Bert than the mighty “Machine”, especially when Tom’s out to play.
“We’ve actually really got into our fitness,” he continues. “I mean, Tom needs to lose a bit, but I’ve dropped a lot of weight recently,” he quips. “It’s no secret I had a struggle with alcohol, but now I live a healthy, balanced lifestyle. We decided to launch a 5k in May and it’s gone crazy. It’s a Spartan race in partnership with the Netflix is a Joke Festival. We had to close it for entries because we just can’t accommodate more than 20,000 runners. The moment Jelly Roll announced he was in, it just went off the scale.”
Balancing is one hundred percent Bert’s forte. He’s smart, sharp as a razor, funny as they come and takes a relaxed approach to a well-rounded family lifestyle. He loves his wife and stands proudly as an honest family man. The same can be said for Tom. And that is exactly why they can get away with ripping the shit out of anything that moves. On that note, they continue tearing me apart…
“I think of myself as a seasoned red wine drinker,” I tell them. “I live in Spain, so what else? I take a glass most nights with dinner, but you know what, I failed the blindfold taste test.” I explain the test, which entails tasting both red and white wine blindfolded and guessing which is which. I challenge you, it’s way more difficult than you think. I ask Bert whether he could tell the difference between Por Osos vodka and his second favourite brand, Tito’s.
“Don’t be ridiculous,” he says. “If I kissed my two kid’s foreheads, I could tell which is which. I could also tell the difference between Tito’s and Por Osos. You’re living in fucking Spain and you can’t tell the difference.” I recline, head in hands. I’m ashamed. These boys make you wanna fit in.
“Last night, we went crazy at the Por Osos party,” says Tom. “The great thing about this stuff is you can drink it and not get a hangover the next day. I like to drink it with lime and soda, but we don’t do vodka shots.
“We can both drink and have a blast and really appreciate all the fun of launching a business. It’s crazy how so many celebrity friends show up and able sit back and drink with us. We've launched a vodka and we’re holding court with some of the biggest celebrities and billionaires in the fucking world. Whatever happens with the vodka is whatever. But these moments are what's important. Much like our second ventures.”
Bert leaves me with a final sign off as a reminder it’s not all about sex, booze and causing offense.
“I’m focused on longevity,” he says. “I just got perfect blood work back. I've only touched alcohol 57 times in the last 212 days. I really found joy in sobriety. This vodka is meant to be enjoyed. Don't let it fuck your life up. Enjoy it. Have fun. Wake up in the morning and work out. Get your shit done. Enjoy your family. Be present. Find joy in the trees in your backyard.
“There were a time people could say booze was dictating my life, but I had to find some fucking grounding in that. And thank God I had best friends like Tommy to tell me, “I think you're going to die”. But hey, I can sit and find a place where I can enjoy a cocktail at 11 o'clock in the afternoon in Austin if I feel like it. Because when you feel like doing something, that’s the time to do it.”
If that’s the attitude that lands you in comedy land, I’m two feet in the door. And after our chat I’m dying to see these guys live. Get your fingers in all the right pies and catch Bert on his Tops Off world tour or at the Fully Loaded Comedy Festival … nice name!
Tom can be found putting the world to rights (quite literally) at his Come Together Festival