Readers of Loaded, I am going to help you out here. As a Valentine's Day treat, I have decided to seek wisdom from the entertainment gods, by consulting a Hollywood rom-com from each of the decades I have been alive in (80s-now) in order to crack the most fiendish question posed to men everywhere - How to do love?
I have a big mug of tea, a packet of bourbons, a pillow to scream into and a family size box of tissues (because they'll be EMOTIONAL - it's not THAT kind of 'Romantic' film) LET'S GET THE LEARNING STARTED!!! (Warning: Spoilers ahead)
Film 1: When Harry Met Sally
What I know without Googling: I have seen this years ago, and I remember it being a fairly decent when I watched it as a teenager. It's all about the differences between Men and Women. And faked orgasms in CafÈ's.
What I expect: Meg Ryan looking young, Billy Crystal looking old, to feel that the movie would be improved by some form of Alien Invasion.
Starring: Meg Ryan when she had a normal face, and the rippling hunky sex god that is Billy Crystal.
The Movie: It starts with a load of old couples being interviewed about love and what it means to them. It's really very sweet, but I can't help but be aware that I'm watching these 36 years after it was made, so these really very sweet couples, are now, really very dead. HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY!
It's a film about Harry (Billy Crystal) and Sally (Meg Ryan) as they move to the big city and fall in and out of love with other people, and eventually, each other. From the start it's clearly an "Opposites Attract" Kind of movie. As they both really get on each other's nerves - So: RULE 1: To find love, firstly find someone that you absolutely can't stand!
About half way through Meg Ryan fakes an orgasm in a cafÈ, and obviously I can recognise this scene (from TV clip shows - not my real life... smart arse) - Nevertheless, I am watching it again for "research" and not because I'm paranoid or anything... RULE 2 seems to be: Women LIE! (and men are terrible at sex)
Though they are just friends, they spend hours together, getting a Christmas tree, going out for dinner, dancing at a party, eventually, one emotional night, they hook up - AHA! RULE 3: If you hang around someone long enough, your annoying habits will automatically become loveable!
Sadly, it all goes a bit awks, as it turns out that seeing your bezzies twig and berries is too much for Meg Ryan to handle! And that famously faked Sally Orgasm has obviously spooked Crystal (I mean, honestly - how could he trust her reaction in bed after THAT scene) So we are left with the rom-com staple, a chase across a city to tell her how he really feels. It succeeds, and now they do one of the old-people-love-interviews, but these two aren't dead - Crystal's career maybe... and certainly Meg Ryan's face can't feel anything anymore - but they are both technically alive - YAY Hollywood!
What I learned about Love from this movie: I learnt that in order to do love you have to start with someone you really don't like, then through sheer grinding efficiency, hang around with them for long enough until everything they find annoying about you, they now love... It's the Jose Mourinho approach to dating, get a 1-0 lead early and defend for the rest of the game (life). Next!
Film 2: Notting Hill (1999)
What I know without Googling: I obviously have seen this, you can't be British in the 90s without seeing Richard Curtis films, they're practically on the national curriculum. But essentially this is the classic every-day, totally identifiable experience, of a global megastar falling for a humble, bumbling Brit.
What I expect: Ronan fucking Keating. Rhys Ifans in his pants and Julia Roberts unleashing her 1-million-watt smile.
Starring: Julia Roberts as a global megastar actress (stretch) and Hugh Grant as Hugh Grant.
The Movie: We start in Notting Hill, a charming place in London, populated entirely by white people, apparently. After establishing that the love interest in this film is Hollywood royalty Julia Roberts (she's called Anna Scott in the film, but the character may as well have been called Rulia Joberts for all the difference it makes) we meet Hugh Grant - who runs a Travel book store - It's a good job you'll get together with Rulia Joberts mate - because your business model is about to be absolutely beasted by Tripadvisor...
Hugh, being the smooth bastard he is, foppishly um's and ah's his way through a conversation, before literally attacking her with an orange juice! Global megastars absolutely love a mystery substance thrown at them by a stranger! Rule 4: If you want to attract someone clearly out of your league, attack them with a sticky substance!
After taking her back to his flat to "clean her up," and bumbling around A LOT, out of nowhere - She kisses him... WHAT?! Are we supposed to believe that she's been seduced? I guess maybe she just has a nervous sweaty Englishman fetish. If so... I'm English, I talk a lot when I'm under pressure... Where's MY Julia Roberts??
I digress, Hugh bags a date, and is taking her to meet his friends and family. Let's face it, in reality, if you'd bagged a date with Julia Roberts, you would do a worldwide tour of all your friends, family, all your exes and possible future employers. Hugh's friends are the usual Curtis concoction of charming weirdos, so: Rule 5: If you want to seduce An A-lister, make yourself look better by hanging round with a bunch of losers!
Sadly, the course of true love (in a rom-com) never runs smooth, and Hugh is kicked to the kerb for Alec Baldwin. Honestly Hugh... I'd have had a word with your agent about that... It should have at least been Brad Pitt. Anyway - after moping for a bit, he's back on the market. Imagine that. Imagine being the woman he dated AFTER Julia Roberts...
A bunch of other stuff happens, none of which wouldn't have been improved by Bruce Willis taking on terrorists in a vest but here we are... and they finally get it on. Afterwards, the paparazzi are out in force, they argue and the dream is over. NO WONDER Hugh Grant is anti-press!
Rulia Joberts was not happy - In fact, she was pretty horrible to poor old Hugh. And after leaving him alone for months, she goes back to the least popular book shop in London to ask him out. To which, he INEXPLICABLY says no. RULE 6: Treat the Hollywood megastar mean, keep the global icon keen!
But what's this? They're not together at the end of a romcom?! The only thing for it, is to make a mad dash across town, with all your weird friends for some reason, to make a dick of yourself in front of the world's press, in order to beg forgiveness for turning down a movie star who was horrible to you. Righto. LUNCH!
What I learned about Love from this movie: In order to find true love, particularly if you are a shy retiring type - the only thing you need, is to accidentally meet an absolute megastar. Then by bumbling around for 5 mins and getting your weird friends to show her how normal you are by comparison; they will magically fall in love with you. SO ACHIEVABLE for your average person. NEXT!
Film 3: The Notebook (2004)
What You know: Not a lot, I've never seen this one - I know it's got Ryan Gosling in. He's a very pretty boy. Suddenly my girlfriend has turned up to watch this one "with me" hmmmmmmmmm...
What you expect: Tears? Tragedy? at least one gratuitous shot of Ryan without a top?
Starring: Ryan Gosling as a fence post and a young Rachel McAdams
This movie starts with some people who are clearly older versions of some characters, so I did wonder if it would be a film about GILF's and Old Age Love, but to my immense relief, we are soon back in the 1940s with a young Gosling, pervily watching a young McAdams at the fairground. I don't know what it is about seeing her drive a bumper car, but his face tells us he is already imagining rear ending her. She is there on a date with someone else, and he has to get her attention - so he jumps on the moving Ferris wheel, and, very dangerously, hangs off the side to impress her. RULE 7: To get the girl, do big, dumb, manly things!
After turning him down several times, Gosling finally gets his dates, and he impresses McAdams by lying down in the road, and then dancing without music - proving that in the 1940s, you didn't have to be too ambitious with your dates. After all, the equivalent of a drum n bass night was someone playing the spoons or a comb. God this movie is dull.
It finally starts to get exciting (a bit - it's all relative!) When they head to an abandoned house to shag, because that's how at least 50% of horror movies start. I couldn't wait for Freddie or Jason to turn up!
Sadly, it wasn't Freddie or Jason. It was her parents. And not only did they messed up my desire for this boring sob fest to turn into something a bit more hacky and slashy, they've ruined McAdams and Gosling's relationship too. RULE 8. Any mention of parents is an instant erection killer!
After Gosling went off and fought in the war, he lost his girl to Cyclops from the X-men and so to get her back, he bought the almost-sex house to impress her. Got it - RULE 9: If you want to get back with you have to painstakingly restore the first place you nearly got lucky with them!
Do you know what? - It works - McAdams returns (despite the fact she is fully engaged to Cyclops from The Xmen) and the old magic is there... RULE 10: No matter what happens - you're always 'in with a shot' with your ex!
What I learned about Love from this movie: (in the moments when I was awake) So, in the end they lived happily ever after, the old guy in the retirement home used to be Ryan Gosling, and the old lady, who now has dementia, used to be Rachel McAdams. So, what I'm taking from this movie is divorce is great! Because the alternative is slowly seeing your loved one lose their mental faculties, and then you die of a broken heart. SUPER ROMANTIC (and speaking of divorce being great....)
Film 4. Crazy, Stupid, Love (2011)
What I know without Googling: Nothing. It's got Emma Stone in, and Ryan Gosling, and apparently Steve Carrell - That would be one super awkward threesome.
What you expect: Comedy? Maybe? Emma Stone being great. Ryan Gosling adding another shade of creosote?
Starring: Ryan Gosling, Emma Stone and Steve Carrell, Julianne Moore.
Well, it starts with a load of shots of people playing "footsie" under the table... Is this going to be a foot fetish film? Is that the "Crazy stupid love" I was promised? In no time at all we are introduced to Cal (Carell) and Emily (Moore) a really bored couple. Moore immediately asks for a divorce. That is a bold start for a rom-com. Moore has been unfaithful with someone called David Lindhagen and we see how well Carell is taking it (clue: Not well) we're finally introduced to Emma Stone being hit on by part-time pick-up artist, and full-time kindling Ryan Gosling.
The message seems to be LOVE SUCKS - and that is one I can fully get behind. Everyone is in love with the wrong person, including Steve Carell's 14-year-old son, who is in love with his babysitter, who is, in turn, in love with Steve Carell, who thankfully - is completely oblivious. It's not THAT kind of mid-life crisis.
Eventually Carell meets Gosling, and the latter teaches him how to become one of those sleazy pick-up artists that were popular 15 years ago. RULE 11. Divorced Dads only need to get new clothes and a haircut to be irresistible!
Meanwhile, it turns out that David Lindhagen, who Emily (Moore) slept with, is none other than KEVIN BACON! Now it makes sense. I would sleep with him instead of Steve Carell and I'm straight! But Steve is not far behind... he is now putting the moves on Marisa Tomei. Hollywood is amazing, she is about 4 ft taller than him and I think this movie is trying to say... RULE 12: Divorced men are kings - no matter what their height!
Emma Stone, meanwhile, has ditched her loser boyfriend and is seducing Ryan Gosling by being a little odd - maybe this is the crazy stupid love we were promised?
But what's this? UH OH! Carell and Moore are now at their kid's parents evening - and guess who the teacher is? Marisa Tomei! RULE 13: You cannot escape a one-night stand, they will turn up to ruin your life, at the worst possible moment!
Meanwhile - The 17-year-old babysitter has taken some nudes to give to Cal (Carell) and drumroll... her Mum finds them... Her Dad is sent over to open a can of "Don't molest my daughter" whoop-ass on Carell. Who, handily enough is with the family trying to get back together with Emily (Moore) when their daughter shows up with her new boyfriend - who is ONLY EMMA STONE AND RYAN GOSLING! How I am 14 years late to this revelation?
The party does not go well, everyone goes postal on each other and we're left with Rule 14: Sending nudes to anyone is a no good, terrible idea!
Though everyone has fallen out with everyone, they all come together for the son's class graduation, and after a big gesture of embarrassing himself in public (we seem to have seen this before) Cal and his wife seem to rekindle, he forgives Gosling, and then WOAH! - the 17-year-old babysitter gives the nudes to the 14-year-old boy!! - I don't know what in the name of Operation Yewtree is going on now!?!
What I learned about Love from this movie: That you can make an absolute tit of yourself, sleep with everyone including your son's teacher and still be in with a shot with your ex. That you can look like Steve Carell and still seduce Marisa Tomei apparently. That allegedly, nudes from a 17-year-old child, made for a mid-40s Dad, are apparently a sweet gift for his pubescent boy to wank over. Righto Hollywood...
I'm flagging now - but we're onto the home straight - let's see what the kids nowadays are making of love in the final movie
Film 5: Anyone but you. (2023)
What I know without Googling: Very Little. It's features part time actor, part time 'Sidebar of Shame' fixture/America's Sweetheart - Sydney Sweeney, it also has Generic Powell... Sorry... Glen Powell, who was that guy... from that thing... I think I saw a trailer, so following earlier rules they'll hate each other, then bang, then hate each other again, then bang again!
What you expect: To despair about the youth of the world. Glen's Abs.
Starring: Glen Powell and Sydney's Sweeneys.
You know how the 'Sidebar of Shame is always talking about young women "flaunting their curves"? (usually Sydney Sweeney) This is the movie version of that attitude, a load of vapid, charmless, rich people, showing us how great their life is, every second of its painfully unfunny, might-as-well-have-been-an-Instagram-reel existence. My God it's terrible. I know I have watched the best part of 8 hours of sodding LOVE by now, but that positively flew by compared to this absolute horror show of boredom.
Reader; I need help.
This is the everyday story of a fabulously attractive trader, hooking up with a stunningly beautiful Law student, neither of which have a personality beyond, "I'm rich but I hurt!" (him - with a pout) or "I'm so confused about what I want from my life!" (her - blank face) They then fall out, are forced together to spend time in Sydney (the place! stop smirking at the back!) at a wedding, where they still hate each other, until they don't, then they do, then they don't again. Fin.
There were no learning points from this movie about Love, no new rules, apart from maybe RULE 15: Stay away from boring rich people, of either sex, because, like this movie - they will LET. YOU. DOWN!
What I learned about Love from this movie: As you might be able to tell... sweet FA. It's When Harry met Sally put together by an algorithm! It's Notting Hill remade as a tik tok dancing video (To Natasha Frickin' Beddingfield.) It makes The Notebook look like a comedy masterpiece! It makes Crazy Stupid Love look like Citizen Kane. It has all the charm and wit of an AI customer services bot, it teaches you about as much about love as your average toilet graffiti.
And breathe.
*****
And There we go - That's what Hollywood has taught me in 10 hours today... Find a rich megastar that you hate, hang around with them until they have no choice but to love you, fall out with them for "reasons", and now that you are their ex - they'll definitely sleep with you. It's at this point that you can give them nudes from when you were 17. And whatever you do - don't watch Anyone but you!
Happy Valentine's Day!
