Crystal Balls of Steel: Clinton Baptiste’s ‘Rock Solid’ Predictions for 2026
By Fred Spanner
Images: Matt Crockett
“I’ve got Elvis here now. Oh, he’s put on a lot of weight since the lockdown. He’s had pies, pasties, and sausage rolls. He’s been living in a Ginsters paradise.”
If you’ve ever wondered what would happen if Derek Acorah wandered into a working-men’s club after six pints and a Vindaloo Special, allow us to introduce Clinton Baptiste: the nation’s most spectacularly useless psychic, medium, clairvoyant, and part-time supernatural charlatan. With a bouffant barnet that defies gravity and confidence that defies all known evidence, Baptiste glides onto the stage like a man convinced he’s communing with the beyond—when in reality he’s barely communing with the front row.
He’s the spiritual adviser nobody asked for, dishing out cosmic wisdom that sounds suspiciously like guesswork shouted over a fruit machine. Yet somehow—through sheer audacity, supernatural delusion, and a talent for comic chaos—Clinton’s become a cult hero.
Strap in, light a joss stick, and prepare to have your chakras rattled. This is Clinton Baptiste: clairvoyant, medium, psychic… and very likely full of it.
Are the spirits with us today, Clinton?
Yes, they are. They’re very, very strong. I’ve got all the big ones here. Right now I’ve got that Russian spaceman, Uri…Gageller, and Stretch Armstrong’s here, too.
Hiya! They’re like me; they can’t believe Loaded is still going. Oh, they want you to bring back all the ladies with no clothes on and all that. Don’t pretend you didn’t enjoy them, too.
I’ve no idea what you’re talking about.
Oh, don’t worry. I can remind you. I’ve got stacks full of them over here.
Moving on… what’s your pre-show ritual?
I’m very religious about what I do before a show. I do a bit of meditation, I align my Chakras, a quick wazz in the disabled’s, and then I go on stage.
I eat very plain: water, a bit of boiled chicken, rice, naan, chips, peas, some Walkers Sensations, a cheeseburger, and a Walnut Whip. These days, I tend to deprive myself of sex. Like that Chris Eubank fella. It keeps me fighting fit, like a boxer.
The state I’m in at the moment, I’d even fuck you.
I’ll take that as a compliment. Do you ever have to deal with troublesome spirits?
There are those who have passed over that are often jealous of my good looks. Peter Stringfellow, for example. He’s got a cabaret of angels up there. Literally angels. There’s a VIP area roped off on a cloud. Anyone he doesn’t like, he just pushes over the edge.
All those psychics like Sally Morgan and Acorah. They all hate me, ‘cause I’m the one with the proper skills. I’m THE best. I’ve got an honorary degree of the Third Eye from the University of Massachusetts. It came with a real certificate and a pleather pencil case with all this spooky, Chinesey-style writing on it, so it’s definitely genuine.
Do fake clairvoyants get their noses put out of joint when they see you’re the real deal?
Absolutely, but you’ll know that because you’re an Aries, aren’t you…Sagitarrius, Capricorn, Gemini, Leo, Libra…Taurus?
YES! I’m a Taurus. That was uncanny.
It’s a bloody gift, I tell you.
Do you get this gift from your parents?
Well, no. My mum tried her best. You know how your gran used to spit into a hanky and wipe your face? My mum just spat on my face. And my dad. He was…he was…Well, I don’t know who he was. He was one of many, many people.
Do the spirits ever heckle you on stage?
Not as much as the drunken, northern women. I get voices going through my head all the time. I’ve got Elvis here now. Hiya. Oh, he’s put on a lot of weight since the lockdown. He’s had pies, pasties, and sausage rolls. He’s living in a Ginsters paradise.
Oh, Robert Maxwell’s here now, but I don’t want to go overboard about it. I don’t mind them calling me up, but it’s all hours of the day and bloody night. Keep office hours, please!
Is there any way to block them, like on a phone?
I can’t just pick and choose when I have them. If I want to ignore them, I think of other things, like Loaded back catalogues. The one with Gail Porter. Ooh!
I can block them if I want to. There are certain people I don’t want to hear from, like Mr Jingle Jangle Jewellery.
What’s the most outrageous thing a spirit’s said to you?
I’ve had Princess Diana, and she said it was socially awkward when Prince Philip died, and he went up there. She said it was the biggest car crash since the last one he organised for her.
Do you ever relay information to an audience member, then have the spirit tap you on the shoulder and say, “Hang on a minute, mate. I never said that!”?
Well, they would say that sometimes. I’ve got one here for you now. He says he doesn’t recommend you start any long novels. Take your library books back, quickly.
Which celebrities do you predict will be making waves in 2026?
Oh, that Kelly Brook, definitely. There are a couple of reasons I think she’ll be in the headlines again. I’d like to see Jordan make a big comeback. Parts of her have been in this business for many, many years.
Any predictions for the Royal Family in 2026?
Yes, there’s a huge shock coming. I predict that the Duchess of York will do some work at some point. Let’s hope that happens. Hold on…I’ve got the Queen Mother here. Something about Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor. I’m getting the word…nons…nons…nonsense. She says it’s all nonsense.
What should we put our fiver on in the Grand National next year?
Is Aldaniti still in it? Oh no, wait, he’s on my shoulder here with Red Rum. Not so much Red Rum ‘cause he’s in the middle of a couple of brioche buns. As far as the winner goes, I’m seeing a horse with four legs and a mane.
As far as sports go, I’m seeing England meeting Scotland in the semi-final of the World Cup. People are thinking it will be easy, but I’m thinking about how much money to put on. Will it be 5, 10, or 15-nil?
Can we expect world peace next year?
Oh, very much so. Everyone’s going to be floating around. It’ll be very much like the 60s again. It’ll be like the old days, so that’s a bonus for Loaded. We’ve had enough misery, and just to shoe this in, that's what you can expect from my show. There will be a lot of lovely, good-humoured predictions, and lots of laughs to take your mind off the villains.
You’re doing the London Palladium, I see.
Yes, we’re nearly sold out. Do come along to see if you can hear me above Brucie, underneath the stage, spinning in his grave.
Tickets for Clinton’s show, Spectral Intercourse, and other spooky info can be found at clintonbaptiste.com
