Forgive Me Father
Welcome to the Loaded confessions booth, where dignity comes to die, and honesty turns up half-cut, smelling faintly of regret and cheap perfume.
These are the stories people swear they’d never tell out loud, usually because they were naked, lying, drunk, or doing that thing they promised themselves they were definitely over by now. Some are stupid, some are filthy, most are painfully relatable, and all of them were submitted with the firm assurance of “you can print this, just don’t use my name.”
So, loosen your morals, and enjoy a reminder that no matter how together everyone else looks, we’re all one bad decision away from ending up in this section.
I once pretended to support an entire football team for three years just because their pub did the best chips. I still don’t know the offside rule, but I can recite the prices from memory.
I pretended to be into astrology to impress a woman, then got dumped because I’m “such a Scorpio,” whatever that means.
I once bragged about a “wild threesome” that was actually me, my ego, and a kebab at 2am. One of us left satisfied. It wasn’t my ego.
I blamed my terrible pool skills on a “bad cue” whenI was drunk, only to realise later I was playing with a broom handle someone had handed me.
I told my mates I’d slept with my personal trainer. In reality, I just cried in front of her while she shouted, “ONE MORE”.
I hooked up with a guy purely because he owned a balcony and it was peak summer. The sex was fine. The view was better.
I slept with someone after bonding over mutual hatred of our bosses, then realised halfway through that I actually work for her mum.
I once ghosted a guy because his dirty talk sounded like an HR training video. Nothing kills the mood like “let’s circle back to that.”
I pretended to understand Formula 1 strategy by saying things like “it’s all about the tyres” and “track position is key,” which apparently works on everyone, including myself.
I’ve laughed at a joke I didn’t hear, only to find out it was about me, and now I can’t remember what I’m supposedly embarrassed about, which feels worse.
I once stayed in a situationship purely because the sex was good and the fridge was always full. Love fades. Free food does not.
I told a guy I was “not that kind of girl,” then immediately proved myself wrong out of boredom and wine.
We know you have a better one. Send in your confession to [email protected]