Like most things that the tech bros have got hold of and “disrupted” – internet dating is a hellfire in a bin factory. Lawless, godless, and way worse than the analogue thing it replaced. You don’t believe me? Well, get this stat in your eyes…
Only 15% of Tinder® users are women – now, I’m not saying that a place that is absolutely dominated by men is an inherently bad place – but have you been to a gent’s toilet recently?? I kid, but seriously, that kind of massive imbalance makes it a miracle that anyone ever meets anyone on the dating apps. But we do, occasionally, get our timing right, and find ourselves embarking on the thrill ride that is trying to decide whether the person in front of us is future ex-wife material.
Now, though we are often portrayed as thirsty horndogs who will bang anything and be grateful for the invitation… that is not (always) the case… Some of us have a discerning eye when it comes to thinking about the business end of pissing years away on the wrong girl. So quite often, after a few dates/weeks/months, you may find yourself looking for a way out.
Now, there are many ways that you can do this in this brave shiny tech world. I’m going to run through some definitions and the pros/cons.
Ghosting
Definition: The daddy. The OG. In its purest form, this is just disappearing. One day you are there flirting madly, making plans, and discussing potential future cat names and the next pfffffffft – you have disappeared into the ether, unmatched, blocked the number/moved to Peru without telling them.
Pros: It’s SO CLEAN. For just you… Sure, you are a pathetically conflict-avoidant man who can’t deal with the consequences of their choices – but on the positive side, you no longer have to SEE the consequences of your choices. Honestly, for selfish, drama avoidance, it cannot be topped. But is it the RIGHT way to go?
Cons: Honestly mate. Grow a pair. If you don’t want to see them anymore, just say, “I’m sorry but I don’t think it’s working for me.” It’s not rocket science. You don’t reach midlife without your fair share of dumping, (being either the dumper or dumped). We’re all grown-ups, act like it.
The biggest con is just treating another actual human being as disposable, and their feelings as less important than your need to avoid awkward or unpleasant conversations. Admittedly, there is a sliding scale to this – if you’ve never been on a date with a match – absolutely fine, even arguably if you have and there wasn’t a firm date 2 plan. But if you’re more than a couple of weeks in, you should only be using “New Phone Who DIS?” as a joke response – rather than actual exit strategy.
Caspering
Definition: AKA – letting it drift. As the Urban dictionary states, it’s, “The art of ghosting someone in a friendly way. When you don't have the heart to full-on ghost them, you start cutting and reducing all interactions until they take the hint and give up.”
Pros: Next level emotional manipulation bro! Power Up achieved. Dangle that carrot, giving yourself just enough leeway to jump back in if you suddenly feel like it, or let her make the decision for you so it at least seems mutual. The major pro is – it does avoid all the unpleasantness, though you may get asked if you still like her, that you don’t seem keen… if you use those as handy jumping off points to become a human being and say what you’re actually thinking then well done. If you just give her minimal responses and it just drifts until she finally gives up caring, then at least there’s a semblance of her in the decision-making process.
Cons: Time. That’s a hell of a lot of effort to keep up your reputation as “nice” to someone who you will resolutely never see again – unless in a hilarious accident you re-match with them. It is certainly the nicer option than “benching” – where you put in just enough effort to keep the person interested until someone “better” comes along… Which let’s face it – is basically a dick move. But I guess the question is – how much time are you willing to piss away? We could be talking aeons of withdrawn communication and diminishing effort – and you accidentally had that experience with your last marriage… Just think of the other things you could achieve with this! Learn Guitar? Read the complete works of Shakespeare? Grow an actual back bone?!!.
Text Dumping
Definition: Ok, now we’re getting somewhere. Text dumping does exactly what it says on the tin. You text, “U R Dumped” and move on! (Not really – but given the literacy standards of some people on dating apps, that’s virtually Shakespeare…)
Pros: You say exactly what you mean. You are a positive, dynamic, man of action who has grasped the bull by the horns and summed up a multi-date, multi-week experience with “Soz.” But at least the person has been respected enough to know that you would rather go back to spending hours and hours scrolling bots, and trying to stand out against the hordes of other desperados, than spend another pub date desperately trying to remember anything they told you about themselves.
Cons: Making sure they really get the message. Text can be an incredibly imprecise mode of communication, with more nuance and room for interpretation than your average Scandinavian drama. So, you have to be precise, before the ex-object of your affection demands an absolute definition of what you mean by “NEVER SEE YOU AGAIN” or “Breach of your restraining order.”
Phone Call
Definition: Now, depending on your generation, the phone is either a tool you use, or like a medieval torture object designed to impale not just your body but your soul too. I’m old school – so I don’t mind actually talking to another human being. But this doesn’t really need a definition above and beyond.
Phone Rings
Jess: “Hello?!”
Mike: “Hi Jess, it’s Mike… yeah… ermmm… nothing to say really but…………. Soz… I have to move to Peru and so this is over…” (Hangs up)
Jess (to partner): “Who’s Mike?”
Pros: You finally get to say what you want. You are not in the same room so the capacity for drama/awkwardness is vastly reduced and technically, now that smartphones can call whilst doing other functions – you can totally get back swiping on a dating app mid conversation! Think of all that time saved baby!
Cons: Not many actually – if you came of age later than the 90s you are so used to texting, you practically fart in emojis – so a phone call where you actually have to hear emotion, and may involve some mild unpleasantness will fill you with as much dread as my generation when we hear the words “meditation retreat” or “glamping with the girls.” But generally, this is a solid way of performing an unpleasant job.
Meet Up
Definition: Awful date where instead of leisurely enjoying each other’s company over a few drinks, you go, are awkward until you are drunk enough to say what you think. And then proceed to water down every reason so as not to hurt anyone’s feelings.
It really should only be used if we’re talking 5 dates plus – because otherwise it’s a colossal waste of time for all involved.
Pros: There’s nothing like the nervousness in the pit of your stomach when you are about to end a relationship… it makes you feel alive! (and like a terrible, awful human being). But in all seriousness, you have treated the person with respect, fielded their questions, mopped up their tears, made half-hearted plans to still be friends, (who are we kidding?) You’ve watched them holler with joy, order champagne, and form a them-shaped-hole in the door as they left quicker than humanly possible… Mission accomplished!
Cons: Drama!!! There is the potential that you have met an absolute case, who would love nothing more than causing an am-dram scene in a moderately priced chain pub. Do not take them to your local, or anywhere you would ever want to go again, for fear of people cheering as she pours pint after pint over your undeserving head.
Or you could ignore all of the above and just send her a link to this article…
You’re Welcome!
