There are only so many primary colours, ‘sensible’ sexual positions and of course, lickable flavours. But when you’re done with vanilla, what else is there to try?

The world of ice cream is an ever expanding one. The Walls have come down and the palette has burst wide open.

Take Cornetto, for example. Original. Lovely. What the fuck is wrong with the Classico? We now apparently also need to try it a bit softer, with stuff like Cookie & Chocolate stuffed into the cone. Maybe it’s nicer, I don’t know. But one thing’s for sure, the melt market has gone a flavour too far. 

Here’s a lick at the parlour party of today, and a sweet reminder of those virginal vanilla times.

Classico Cornetto vs Soft Cornetto

Classico Cornetto: It’s always been about that chocolate bit at the bottom you used to save for your mum on the home school run. The topping has just the right amount of chocolate and deco and the texture warrants a slight bite which makes it last.

Soft Cornetto: Not really worth the extra calories. Good things don’t need sauce, ‘cos they’re already good. It’s like binge watching that extra episode then wishing you’d saved it for Monday night. 

Winner: Classico Cornetto

Original Twister vs Twister Zinger

Original Twister: Nice, but doesn’t quite hit the spot. The creamy tasting bit through the middle is a decent contrast to the fruit, but with all those shapes and colours going on, it kinda leaves you wanting something more.

Twister Zinger: Twister jazzed up how it always should’ve been. Tangy apple, sour lemon and sweet blueberry. No creamy bit, but save that for the Cornetto.

Winner: Twister Zinger.

Magnum White vs Guuud

Magnum White: It’s still around and going strong, and it still tastes pretty decent. Satisfies a craving for something sweet and indulgent. A bit annoying when the chocolate falls off in sheets onto your lap. Not the most discreet dessert. 

Guuud: Oh my Guuud this is fucking lovely. Diet or not, you can’t go wrong at 68 calories and it’s pretty much like sex on a stick. Lives up to its name. Definitely. 

Winner: Guuud.

Haagen Dazs vs I’m Fully Loaded

Haagen Dazs: You can’t knock a tub full of this stuff. No matter what your flavour, it’s still a fan favourite for a reason. Since 1961 the makers of Haagen Dazs have been teasing the taste buds off anyone who dares pick up a spoon, stick their tongue in or dare to sniff the stuff. No man has left said tub unemptied. It’s good.

I’m Fully Loaded: So, M&S released an ice cream range called “I’m Fully Loaded”. What?! Obviously, it needed tasting. Movie Night Popcorn, Nut Your Average and Trifle Caked Alaska make up this naughty little threesome and we are IN! The popcorn flavour with chocolate caramel cups, chocolate-coated salted pretzels and caramel swirls needs no further introduction. Get down to M&S and get Fully Loaded up with this stuff. Immediately. 

Winner: Fully Loaded, obviously. 

Semi Finals

Classico Cornetto vs Fully Loaded

Both offer that ice creamy indulgence, with Cornetto being easier to just grab and go, whilst Fully Loaded tickles the taste buds to death. Fully Loaded can be problematic if you’ve got a sweet tooth, ‘cos you’re looking at a minimum of two tub’s worth before you’ve had enough of this stuff. Mind you, it’s worth it. 

Winner: Fully Loaded

Twister Zinger vs Guuud

Sometimes you want something sweet but not too calorific. That’s where a Twister plays its part. But hang on, Guuud is also six-pack friendly and tastes so much nicer. Also, you wouldn’t wanna be caught sucking on a multi-coloured lollipop on a dark night. The Guuud is more excusable for the over 12s. Guuud it is. 

Winner: Guuud

Final: Fully Loaded vs Guuud

My oh my, this is painful. It’s like being locked in a cell with Pammy and Jolie and having to choose between the tits and the lips. At the end of the day, if something is that good, you want it to last as long as possible. A tub of Fully Loaded is like, five times as big as a Guuud stick, so, not only for its name, it’s Fully Loaded every night. 

Winner: Fully Loaded