- By David J Ham
All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances;
Creeps up on you dunnit.
What does?
Well, all of it.
Age.
The creaks and pains.
Blood tests.
Being miles away from young people.
Trying not to act like Colin Hunt at work.
Assessing your booze intake a little more closely.
The negative energy friend culls.
Health being a bonus rather than a given.
Wisdom. Supposedly.
I’m just old enough to remember smoking in pubs, the sentimental mistrals of creamy white trails hovering above your heads and infecting your clothes with an impossible to remove smell.
Then the ban was approaching and the anger and disgruntled hostelry regiments made their William Wallace speeches to those around the table. Echoing round the public houses of this green and pleasant land: “they’re gonna take all of our freedoms away and it’s starting with our snouts!”. They were right, but, well, that’s another article. “The French wouldn’t put up with it!”. Then we realised that actually, sliding outside for 5 minutes for a salmon ‘n’ trout a few times a night actually provided a tobacco based break from the indoor hubbub and sometimes turned out to be a more preferable and impromptu social scenario than the one you were locked into for the evening. I’ve met some of the most memorable characters in my life, off the cuff, devilish angels, at their most pensive and sometimes vulnerable, ready to scatter their life beans around your feet, leaning against a cold boozer wall, sucking on a cigarette and blowing the smoke away into the night air. People who truly belong on stage or screen but their path didn’t send them that way. I’ve also met some of my heroes due to nipping outside for a cigarette. Paul Weller, Ronnie Wood (inside, but he could smoke inside ‘cos he’s a Rolling Stone ffs) to name a couple, oh and an all day bonding session with Tom Meighan which involved tossing fags into our mouths and trying to catch them and a lot of Chas n Dave appreciation. Those times. Oh those times. No responsibilities. No gnawing home time target above your head slowly and invisibly - to everyone but you - counting down, and being sporadically stuffed back into that little box at the back of the cabbage. No talk about how early we all have to get up for duty. Sometimes there was no bed at all. Or it would be the bed of someone you were yet to meet that very night.
Those were the days. But these, these most definitely should be the days. On the whole you have everything you thought you never could. And you should be grateful.
Because just like that… WHOOMPH! Those days are gone, and you’ve got those responsibilities, and that bedtime to stick to and those duties tomorrow that involve a lot of driving about and watching stuff whilst pretending to be interested in where some other Dad is going on holiday. Again! (surely someone else is paying for these trips or am I missing something on the fiscal front?!). Anyway, the give-a-shit pub session is as regular as a Virgil Van Dijk red card. It’s just the way it is.
I think the Fatherhood dynamics I’m alluding to here are perhaps to blame for the aggressive fag tugging (not that kind, this is a respectable magazine), that I’ve fallen victim to over the last decade when I did manage to get out and the person I’m meeting could also make it out family free. Dad stars aligning overhead for us both. The Cigarette Constellation piercing the night sky. These moments almost mean more. One pint in and there it is, the obligatory question;“shall we get some fags?”. The answer never being “no, let’s not eh”. Hitting the menthol straights like it was my last night on earth. Finish one. Go back in as another mate is on his way out past you for one himself…“oh go on then”. ‘Ciggie-trains’ ensue. I always thought that somehow, people and their cigarettes are all sort of invisibly and unspokenly intertwined with everyone else's in the pub, if not now or yet, then probably later. The possibility is there. Post 10pm, smoking 2 and on occasion 3 on the trot because you don’t want the topic of the moment to come to a conclusion, and / or your friend NEEDS to know once more how much you love them. Either struggling to make it up the escalator out of breath to make the train home. Or, if it’s a local sesh; buying 20 “LIGHTEST ONES YOU GOT!” through the petrol garage hatch on the walk home just to get as many in as possible before the show is over and a new stage door beckons.
I’ve got a rock n roll soul, I like to think anyway. Due to my work and hobby choices in my teens, 20s and most of my 30s being in advertising, music, band management and night club promotion and most of those all at once; I was packing the average person’s monthly social calendar into a week, every week, every month, year on year. I’ve had a good innings. And not out. But the last couple of years I’ve had the nagging dread when I’m heading out because I know that heading out meant fags out. Doesn’t help when you have a mate who smuggles menthols back from Turkey. Cheers S! I spent the most of Summer 2024 semi-trying to avoid people that I knew smoked when they were drinking. Shame as they’re usually my favourite people. I invited a few couples around to mine last year to cook together and make merry and only two of us went out for an early-doors smoke. When we came back in, someone said “cor dear been up the chimney have you?!”. We must have stank. And stank whilst we were all making pasta. Lovely. Well done.
We have all been on the other side of those moments on too many occasions to recall. That person who sneaks out for a cigarette and you smell their return before you see them. The waft. I would also have one on the way to meet friends as I was so happy to be going out. A swift pre-exit small beer at home. A goodbye to the sprogs and wife and a fuck-yeah stroll to the pub of choice with a smoke on the way. Then the mano e mano hugs stack up on entry and my mind would flit to what that non-smoking mate must smell.
This was all about to change.
Just as I was regularly accepting the notion that I could never change it myself, I met up with a friend who lives abroad and mentioned all of the above in the deep of mid-evening. She listened very carefully, which is one of her many strengths, and then when we met again last year she handed me what I now realise was the solution. The answer. The saviour. Divine intervention. The Holy Grenade of Antioch. This, my post-pub nicotine-sneaking friends, was, and is…
PLOOM.
Ahh, welcome to Ploom-ville. The smog is gone, the bad odour a thing of the past, and even on dry days your drinks bill tops what you spend on a puff. The Ploom X Advanced is the sort of kit you’d spot through a modern day Knight Rider’s window. It’s got light beams, it vibrates and it’s the size of one of those flip phones you used to have – anyone else miss those? This sacred relic from the future is the slickest bit of KITT I’ve seen in a long while.
Despite its sleek appearance, it’s really easy to use. You fire it up by touching the front and a light beam appears from nowhere and moves up and down (shamelessly impressed each time), then vibrates to let you know it’s ready for the ‘stick’. You pop the tobacco stick in, which in the case of Ploom is an EVO stick, just like a neat mini cigarette.
Flavours? Well, there’s 14 across classic tobacco, menthols and fruit infusions including some berry and pear capsule numbers. I can even hold onto the nostalgic process of a click and smoke which I used to love. Its heated quickly and off you go. Boom!
But the best part? It delivers an authentic tobacco taste without any smoke. While ciggies burn tobacco, Ploom gently heats tobacco, releasing a rich infused vapour so there’s no ash, and you can wave ta ta to tar!
It does mean a sh*t-load more peace of mind and no more smelling of smoke. Meaning you can even have a sly one out of your bathroom window the next time you fake a number 2 for some peace and quiet. Who doesn’t do that?
YOU LIAR! I don’t go home smelling of fags any more. Which my good lady massively appreciates. Say no more. I also don’t have that taste in my mouth during the night and in the morning.
Here’s another little puff of essential info, in the post-truth quagmire we exist in. Ploom X Advanced has on average, a 90-95% reduction in the levels of nine constituents recommended by the World Health Organization (WHO) for reduction in cigarette smoke.* More peace of mind then.
Back to a personal point of view. Simply put, I haven’t smoked a single cigarette since I discovered this little gem last year. Not one. I’ll make it to a year with no trouble. I even tried to light a cigarette recently, took one drag and threw it away. And there’s the obvious business of saving Dead Presidents where you can. With a pack of fags setting you back over £20 these days and EVO sticks being a fiver, I’m hauling back dough like a chief.
It’s the me-moment, the kick without the kick in the teeth. The process is even enjoyable, especially if you’re a gadget lover like me. I’ve already slated Plooms in as gifts for mates who also want to kick the ciggies to the kerb. We’re not getting younger and are of an age where our kids still want to be around us 24/7. Mostly anyway.
So, go have a look for yourself. Impress your mates, potentially reduce the risks that come with smoking, and start saving some serious dollar. No more to be said surely?
Welcome to Ploom-ville, make it a one way ticket like I have.
If you need any more inspiration, enjoy this playlist whilst you choose your tobacco sticks of choice!
"Reefer Man" – Cab Calloway
"Smoke on the Water" – Deep Purple
"Mary Jane's Last Dance" – Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
"The Smoking Gun" – Robert Cray Band
"Cigarettes and Alcohol" – Oasis
“You Really Got a Hold on Me” - Smokey Robinson
"I Want to Be Sedated" – The Ramones
"Reefer Man" – Cab Calloway
"Hits from the Bong" – Cypress Hill
“Mad Izm” - Channel Live
For more info on Ploom X Advanced, visit Ploom.co.uk
*Based on available machine-measured data comparing 9 harmful constituents recommended for reduction in cigarette smoke by the WHO, measured in smoke of a standard reference cigarette (1R6F) and the vapour from Ploom X Advanced.
*This does not mean that the use of Ploom X Advanced is safe or eliminates health or addiction risks associated with tobacco use as no tobacco product is safe
