“The problem is that many MPs never see the London that exists beyond the wine bars and brothels of Westminster,” said Ken Livingstone, and bang on he was. He also said “the world is run by monsters.” We thought it only fair we dissect the good old MP in the Loaded lab.
Gents…the secret MP has spoken. Don’t dare doubt him ever again.
BRAIN
“The first thought of the day is to remember to claim the maximum allowances. That’s, of course, for food, travel and housing allowances, plus expenses for a second home for everyone who lives outside of London. Second is to book a table for lunch inside The Houses of Parliament as it is heavily subsidised. If you look after the pennies, the pounds will look after themselves. We probably only have a small shelf life so we have to make good while the sun shines.”
HEAD
“A nod’s as good as a wink! When we nod, we are in agreement with someone but a shake of the head definitely means “no!” We get a lot of practice at this during PM’s questions, particularly the shaking of the head motion when Sir Keir Starmer rumbles on and on at the despatch box!”
EYES
“To be serious, we are actually very proud to represent our constituents and quite a lot of them need our help. We can raise issues in Parliament and seek the right advice for those who have nowhere else to turn. We are elected to serve the public.”
STOMACH
“The Commons dining rooms are first class and you can have a roast dinner, washed down by a decent bottle of red or white wine. It’s cheap compared to a pub or restaurant so there’s absolutely no point in only having welsh rabbit. In fairness, some debates go on long into the night so we need that bit of extra sustenance!”
EARS
“It may come as a surprise to some, but we are really well informed about a lot of things. We need to be able to react to changing events at very short notice.”
LIVER
“How is this organ poisoned? We usually start out with the beer. Last year around £90,000 worth of champagne was sold in the House of Lords which says a lot about the Lords! Us mere mortals prefer a drop of white wine really and there are a few bars inside the Commons where we can hang out.”
MUSCLES
“There’s a few fit bods in the House of Commons, particularly the younger intake and those who cycle in, but the majority of us need a bit of work to be honest. There is a gym but not many people use it.”
LEGS
“Seriously, we should probably stop using publicly funded cars and walk more. Going green is admirable- but it’s just not safe walking around anymore. I’m not exaggerating, but these days we have to look over our shoulders. There’s a real threat out there and several of my colleagues are not going to stand again because of security issues.”
PENIS
“I won’t be shallow and talk about the women who throw themselves at MPs. There are a lot of serious MP’s in Parliament from both sides of the House who are trying their best to make a difference and stand up for the people who do not have a voice. However, I won’t deny that the power thing is definitely a turn on for some males (and females). But that doesn’t mean we go there!”
