1. Durex
Top shaggers Durex used to be a lot more [redacted] in cheek when it came to getting the word out there. Sure, most of the ads now are still charming enough, swapping a wedding ring for a cockring (“make them say yes, yes, yes”) for example.
It’s not bad, it’s far fucking better than “zodiac signs as lube”. But it isn’t quite as good as…
To all those who use our competitors’ products: Happy Father’s Day.
Belter. The simplicity of that, the way it suckers you in, makes you think. Durex is the top shagger, and it’s smart too. It has the gift of the gab. These days? Well, you can see why there’s a sex recession can’t you – nobody can afford kids and no condoms have enough personality to try on for size.
2. Victoria’s Secret
A recent ad basically just has a bunch of people in flattering black and white wearing bras with the word ‘iconic’ being said in a slightly hushed vocal-fry voice over and over. You can’t even see the bras properly, I’ve no idea who it is for or what it’s trying to empower. All has gone downhill quickly, even six years ago, when the adverts were just a bunch of happy, confident models laughing in their underwear on a bed, “Come play with me” – the lyrics from the song in the background. It was better. It was colourful, it was less serious, it was a bra. At least you knew what you were buying.
3. Any tobacco company.
I’m a fan of Marlboro, Camel at a push but it makes me think of people who like Camden. I am not one of these people. I think the most beautiful cigarette packet was Benson & Hedges gold. It looked like a Zippo lighter, genuinely regal, one of the only times gold ink has looked the money. Just stunning stuff. They taste like shit, though. Anyway, cigarette adverts used to be among the best. And not just the Mad Men era ones where companies paid doctors to recommend them and went with bullshit USPs such as “it’s toasted”. The cigarette adverts of the eighties were brilliant. Take Marlboro’s. They had cowboys, the James Bonds of cowboys, standing there with a lasso, a cig hanging out of their mouth like a thing to desire. The copy over the top said: Come to where the flavour is. Come to Marlboro County. These days regulations have generally shot cigarette ads to shit (outside of certain magazines like American Rifleman, which still had cigarette ads as of 2023). The companies have seemingly given up all hope and have accepted that all of their branding and genius through the years has to be replaced with photos that look like trench foot and phrases like “Smoking Harms Unborn Babies”. It is responsible, but there’s an element of magic lost within it (even if that’s ultimately for the better).
4. Guinness
“The black stuff” is more popular than ever, just look the next time you’re in the pub at all the faux guinn-ommeliers doing all sorts of checks, tests, and challenges with their pint as though it demonstrates they have a clue about the fundamentals of a brew and bestows them with a personality. It does neither, they look like a bunch of try-hard wet wipes. Each and every one of them. But in a world of diversity being far more important than possessing knowledge, this doesn’t matter. Anyway, the ads, Guinness is good for you, and all that. Nothing has been more enticing. We know this because you’ll still find vintage Guinness ads all over the backgrounds of places where new-gen Guinness drinkers are posting their pints online. A new ad just launched starring Jason Mamoa, it’s called, "A lovely day for a Guinness". Bless this and its modesty. It is not a lovely day for inspiring advertisements. Waste money at ad agencies responsibly. Still, there’s never been a better time to find a good pint of a great brew.
