EUFORIA: How a £999 Robot Vacuum Changed My Life
By James Kenneth
I never thought I'd be writing this sentence, but here goes: the Eufy Omni E35 robot vacuum might genuinely be the best thing I've bought that didn't come with wheels or go on a track day.
As a man who once wore the same jeans for three weeks straight, it turns out a robot vacuum is now up there with the PlayStation and central heating as one of my greatest life purchases ever. The lads would never let me live this down, but sod it; this thing is brilliant.
Let me set the scene. Two kids in the house, a mutt that sheds like it's shedding for charity, and a wife who's slowly coming to terms with the fact that I'm essentially a large man-child who leaves a trail of coffee cups and crumbs wherever he goes. Our kitchen floor has seen things. Dark things. Things that probably violate the Geneva Convention.
Enter the Omni E35, which cost nearly a grand but frankly feels like the cheapest investment I've made in domestic peace since I learned to say "yes, you're right, I'm sorry."
The Self-Cleaning Mop Situation
Right, the headline feature here is the HydroJet 2.0 self-cleaning mop that basically washes itself with hot water and hot air drying. Sounds like bollocks, doesn't it? Like those "self-cleaning ovens" that absolutely aren't. But this actually works. It does this whole thing where it saturates, soaks for up to 20 minutes, then scrubs – which sounds boring until you realise it's specifically designed for dried grease that normal mops just push around like a drunk mate on a dance floor.
The "Kitchen Deep Clean" mode is where this thing earns its price tag. Because let's be honest, what is the kitchen floor after a week of family life except a Jackson Pollock painting made entirely of split juice, crumbs, and the mysterious sticky patches that appear regardless of whether you've actually spilled anything? I set this thing loose after a Sunday roast and it came back with results. Actual, visible results. My wife looked shocked. I looked smug. We didn't talk about how much I'd spent.
The Suction Porn
35,000 Pa. Which means absolutely nothing to me, but apparently it means a lot to the TÜV Rheinland lot. What it translates to in real life is: this robot vacuum genuinely gets stuff up. Dust mites? Gone. 95% of them, anyway, which honestly at that price point, I'll take. It strips 99% of fine dust before the filters even get a look in, so the suction doesn't fade after three weeks like my ambition to go to the gym.
The brushes are these DuoSpiral things that actively spiral hair outward during cleaning and then reverse during the auto-emptying bin process. Translation: you're not fishing a matted hairball out of a robot vacuum every fortnight. As a man whose partner has hair longer than his entire vocabulary, this is genuinely revolutionary.
The Other Bits
It's got night vision obstacle avoidance, which sounds like overkill until you schedule it to clean at 3am because you've forgotten it's scheduled and then tiptoe around your kitchen in the dark trying not to step on a robot. I haven't actually used this feature – I'm not that keen to avoid my family – but it's there if you're the sort of person who's got their life together enough to plan ahead.
The corner coverage actually reaches into tight spots with some CornerRover system. Honestly, this is the bit that matters most if you've got a kitchen designed by someone who clearly hated minimalism and loved hard-to-reach spaces under cupboards where dogs hide to eat contraband.
The Verdict
Is a grand a lot of money for a robot vacuum? Absolutely. Is it worth it if you've got kids, pets, and have basically given up on the idea of a clean house? Also absolutely. It's not going to transform your life... you're still going to find crushed Wotsits under the sofa, but it will stop your floor from being a literal hazard. It's the 21st century equivalent of hiring a cleaner, except this one can't judge you for the state of your house and doesn't need tea.
Would I recommend it? Yeah, I actually would. Am I embarrassed that I'm now the sort of bloke who talks passionately about robot vacuum features? Deeply. But I'm also the sort of bloke who's now got a cleaner kitchen, so I'll take it.
£999 at eufy.com
Rating: 9/10 (loses a point for making me feel like my dad)