It’s that time of year again... The supermarkets are filled with Christmas food. Your neighbour has lights bright and gaudy enough to rival Oxford Street. Shops have put up their festive displays and the tinny racket of Mariah warbling rings in your ears long after you’ve heard her hit that top note. But Christmas no longer holds the same excitement as that year Father Christmas brought you that BMX or Scalextric, does it? The season loses its magic once you realise that it’s the mums and dads who make that magic happen. Nowadays, rather than being the excited kid, you are expected to do all of the hard work – hardly fair now, is it? But it doesn’t have to be that way. Stick with Loaded and we’ll show you how to avoid making any effort at all and bring back the magic.
Decorations
Now, hopefully by now you have got yourself sorted and settled down with a bonafide hottie who loves making your home look the part. However, if you’re still rocking the bachelor pad life, here’s the cheat code to looking Christmas-ready, just in case you get lucky with a Tinder date or a long-lost relative decides to drop in for a mince pie. Less is more when it comes to decorations: you only really need a tree - a real tree is relatively cheap nowadays and looks and smells much nicer than a fake one. Chuck on a few baubles and a string of lights and Bob’s your uncle. Bonus points if you put the tree in a front-facing window, as people walking past will think your whole house is decorated like the party at the beginning of Die Hard.
Films
Which brings me to Christmas films... everyone is always on about their favourite Christmas film to get them in the mood. So let’s just settle this once and for all. Die Hard is the only Christmas film you need to watch. Also permitted are Home Alone (1 or 2), Gremlins and, at a push, It’s a Wonderful Life. None of this Elf, Muppets Christmas Carol or - god forbid - Love Actually crap. Man the fuck up and just watch Die Hard. If anyone tries to complain that’s it’s not a Christmas film, send them our way.
Presents
Now, one of the biggest ball-aches when it comes to Christmas is buying the presents, wrapping the presents, and pretending to be grateful when you open the bloody presents. It’s exhausting. If it were up to Loaded, gifts for adults would be banned – especially now that we all buy what we want, when we want, from Amazon anyway. So let’s just all agree to stop. Talk to your family and friends, the office busybody, whoever you need to talk to. Tell them loudly that you oppose the modern obsession with commercialisation of the Lord Jesus’s birthday, and will be donating the money you would have spent to charity instead – and either do that, or else put it in the Christmas Eve drinking pot. Two birds, one stone and all that – you'll be hailed a hero for doing your bit, all the while avoiding one of the most onerous Christmas chores. Job’s a gooden’ !
The Big Day
The big day has finally arrived, amidst a fanfare of tinsel and chocolate coins. Now, listen to Loaded to learn how to get through it without having to lift a finger.
Church: If your family (or in-laws) are religious and insist on everyone going to Church (or even worse, Midnight Mass), you have to take a stand on moral grounds. No-one can argue with that. If you need to, reference Richard Dawkins’ God Delusion, talk about how all of the wars around the world are caused by religion - this is the time to pull out the big guns. If anyone pushes you on this, look solemn and ask that they respect your beliefs as you respect theirs. Then as soon as the house is empty, you can get a bit of peace, raid the Quality Street tin for all the purple and green ones, sort out your fantasy football team or even sneak in a nap. Take advantage, coz' the rest of the day will be full-on.
Dinner prep: I think we can all agree that the highlight of Christmas day is the roast dinner. A roast to end all roasts. But if you’re not careful, you’ll end up getting roped in to peel spuds, put the crosses in the bottom of the sprouts and wrap the pigs in their blankets. This is where you need to offer to do the childcare. Hear us out: any kids in your family will have a load of new toys from Santa (hopefully something good like a new Playstation 5 or X-Box Series S, but quite frankly even a game of snakes and ladders will do the job). The trick is to sit on the floor near where the children are playing – you can join in if you actually want to, but if you don’t, sitting close to the kids gives the illusion we need. Bonus points if you manage to get someone to bring you a drink for ‘all your hand work.’
The King’s Speech: This is an easy one. Similar to avoiding Church services, you can use your principles as cover: pretend to be a lefty anti-royalist to avoid having to watch a deluded septuagenarian bleat on about homeopathy, tax breaks for the rich or whatever nonsense he decides to go on about this year. Coincidentally, this is the ideal time for a post-lunch nap so sneak off upstairs for a bit of shut eye. Or sneak a bottle of your chosen tipple up with you and just enjoy the peace and quiet.
By the evening, hopefully everyone is exhausted and you’ll be left alone to watch a film. However, some families insist on playing games like Charades or Monopoly. This is tricky to avoid, as however you say no, you run the risk of being the Christmas Grinch. So, it’s time to pull out the big guns: feign illness. Migraine, stomach ache, say whatever you have to say and use all of your G.C.S.E acting skills to convince the family that you can’t possibly join in. But be warned, if your performance isn’t up to scratch you will look like a right idiot and you might have to admit defeat and join in. You never know, you might end up having fun!
So there you have it – the ultimate lads’ survival guide to help you get through the festive season. You can thank us later.
