You think Tinder is difficult… wait till you get past that into the absolute minefield that is the dating PROCESS. There’s multi-dating, ghosting, polyamory and a million other definitions, new words and stages that are going to fry your rapidly ageing brain! But don’t worry! – I am here to hand you a fool proof (deeply flawed) guide on how to organise, plan and carry out these dates, so even if you look like Frankenstein, with the brains of a zombie, and the aversion to sunlight of Dracula, you’ll be coupled up in no time! 

So let’s go! (on an underwhelming date before never seeing/texting/thinking about each other again!)

Date 1

First up – Well done stud! You have managed to negotiate the shark infested waters of Tinder and you have bagged your first date. Assuming they show up – you now have a golden ticket to the biggest roller coaster of odd behaviour, weird new people that are somehow allowed out without supervision, and actual ghosts (Here one minute, disappeared the next). Welcome to Dating.

Do

Leave your neurosis at the door. This is a fresh start, after however many moons of seeing the same person do the same things again and again – you are now back in the crazy single world. So no matter how heartbroken (or full to the brim with fucking glee you are to be safely removed from your ex) this is a chance for a fresh start. So don’t fuck it by bringing an absolute wagonload of baggage. At least not on your first date. Allow your crazy to mature… like a fine poison… So on this date, your one and only mission is to at least appear like a functioning, non-crazy, pleasant, riotously funny, interested, emotionally available yet not too revealing, empathetic, super-fit, interesting, travelled, cultured, intelligent human being. No Pressure!

Don’t

Be Over Ambitious. Stick to drinks for meeting number 1. Coffee is an option, but only if you’ve already decided that you are not that interested after an initial flurry of messages, but you lack the balls/lady balls to just do what everyone else does and ghost the shit out of the dullards. Or you think they give off serious lock-you-in-their-basement vibes. No, a nice normal date, with nervousness, potential for a bit of a flirt and clearly marked exits visible at all times is just the ticket for date number 1. 

Don’t 

Be tempted by dinner, because it is a minefield. Do you actually eat all that you want – and risk showing them exactly what a monster you can be? Pretend that you are vegan-curious, Even though you are about as keen on eating plants as your average alligator? Starters? You’d usually just steal half of theirs – is that allowable when you only know their name and fake age from their profile? What if you find out that they don’t like gravy, or cheese, or foods that aren’t chicken nuggets? Honestly – you need to do a full Myers Briggs type personality test to assess whether eating with someone will be a pleasurable or excruciating couple of hours (oh yeah – it’ll take a couple of hours – none of this shovelling food at a breakneck pace, into the black hole that is your gob whilst you watch the first 6 minutes of MAFS that is your usual dinner routine).

Do not make the mistake I made, and agree to a bottomless brunch, where the “date” proceeded to get more and more pissed, and display the full range of reasons why they were still single, for the next THREE GODDAMN hours. I had no escape! No back-up fake phone call telling me my farm was on fire and I had to get right back! (I live in a terraced house). Rookie Mistake! Put it this way, when the highlight of my date was googling rail replacement buses… I knew that perhaps they weren’t “The One”…

Date 2

So, she/he liked you enough to go on date number 2. Congratulations! – I’m not going to ask what happened at the end of date 1, because this is a safe space and we don’t need any of your depravity, thank you very much. Just, you know, use protection and if it looks green – get help!

Anyway – date two… this is where the fun really starts – through a winning combination of your looks, charming personality, and ALCOHOL, you have done enough to persuade them that you are worth another evening of their precious time. So this time – it’s dinner time!

Do

Go to a nice place. (Not a super, super nice place – see below) but you know – the kind of place where the food is not served exclusively deep fried and in a basket. You can do this! You can pick a restaurant which is not TGI Friday’s, where, for once, the menu doesn’t come with a colouring-in sheet. My advice is to go for a mid-range independent place that covers at least most of the basics. We’re talking a decent steak, a claim of using seasonal vegetables, and a vegetarian option (just in case). Tbh if they were a vegan they would have screamed it at you mid-way through their first message on Tinder – so it's just the shy veggies you have to plan for). Basically, somewhere that has a lighting scheme just on- up from pitch black, and a cocktail menu that can come to your aid if they realise what a terrible personality you have when their judgement isn’t alcoholically impaired.

Don’t

Go too posh. Anything with 7 distinct courses, anything with dishes that look like one bit of food but taste like another. Anything where you have a waiter who has to wear gloves. Look, you know WHO you are… and that, given the choice, half the time – a KFC bucket with a special dip is your idea of romance. (And for the removal of doubt – for once in my fledgling writing career – “Dip” is not a euphemism. I literally just mean the creamy, white, thick, salty, substance that erupts from your firm bone(less chicken dipper) as you caress it into your mouth….. NO EUPHEMISM’S HERE!) So don’t over shoot trying to impress someone. If this is to work, they will learn just how uncultured you are in no time at all anyway – so you may as well start off honest – just pick one up from the bottom (price wise) bottle of wine and get on with it!

Date 3

More Drinks… More dinner… A romantic stroll by moonlight… Axe throwing… Whatever the form date 3 takes, there is apparently a long-held rule for a lot of people, that date 3 is THE night. The night when, as two consenting adults, you take your first romantic step of crossing the line from harmless pleasant evening into potential massive life-changing mistake. The night when you throw caution to the wind, throw far too much red wine down your neck and throw your underwear to the floor. The night where… I mean COME ON – DO I really need to get more graphic than that?! I don’t know what smut you’ve been reading – but this is a safe space! (Ish)

Ahem… ANYWAY… before any of that malarkey takes place, if you are about to reach the promised land of an actual other human being that can stand physically touching you without the need for payment – you need to create the right atmosphere… So….

Do

Tidy up before you take them home. Picture the scene… you’ve charmed them, you’ve been your witty, interesting, beguiling self over several laughter-filled hours… then, you take them home, and as their anticipation builds as to what hidden depths this house will reveal about their companion for the evening… you open the door to a room that would not look out of place on a Channel 5 documentary called “Britain’s Weirdest Hoarders” or one that inevitably ends up with a white text on a black background saying “Their remains were never found…”

You want the person you are with to walk into a warm, neat, homely home that reassures their (potentially misguided) conviction that you are a person with their shit together. You don’t want them to feel like the next room they are going to walk into features just a pit with a bucket in the corner surrounded by suspiciously human looking bones.

Look… If you are lucky, you are going to be disappointing them in the bedroom soon enough – so don’t peak too early by disappointing them when they walk through the front door! (and depending on “how long it’s been” – peaking too early may become the theme of the evening unfortunately). 

But…

Don’t

Put too much stress on the date 3 rule! Everyone is different, and when it comes to dating, everyone has their own pace as to when they take the next step…  Some absolute legends (filth bags) are date 1 bangers. Some, more cautious people, may take a bit longer, need a bit more time to be completely comfortable and have to feel like they really know you, before sharing this most beautiful moment with you…

Avoid those nerds like the plague! BOOOOOORRRRRIIIIIIIINNNGGG!

(Only joking – people have different rules about when they feel comfortable enough to be intimate – so basically – don’t be a dick if they’re not quite there yet).

Dates 4-6

Ok, so – here is where post 40s/divorce/kids dating does start to get tricky – because there are all these new rules! Before, you would meet ONE person, and go on dates with ONE person. Now, it is permissible to be texting a few, on the apps with a few more, and having several first dates a week… so…

Do

Try and thin down the options. And not by suggesting they take Ozempic you insensitive ape. You should definitely try and simplify your options by only focusing on one person after you’ve done maybe 3 dates?? That number is negotiable… but the higher the date number with one person, the more you look like a selfish prick if you are still swiping/texting/dating others. And before you think I’ve gone all serious, I’m not saying it for moral reasons – I’m saying it because the admin is a nightmare! Honestly… it's like having a second job! And I’m half-arse enough at my original one!

Don’t

Get too excited. Even after a few dates, there is still every chance that it can turn into an absolute Bin-Lorry-on-fire of a clusterfuck. SO – keep a little bit of yourself back. Get used to the fact that you might actually die alone, and everything else is just a bonus. That way, when it turns out the person you have taken on 5 dates is actually a really sophisticated confidence scam that is targeting your non-existent savings… you can slowly settle back in the comfort of knowing that everything in the world is horrible, and dying alone surrounded by multiple pets is the only true happiness!

Dates 6+

Ok – we are into semi-relationship status here… So it’s now time to set out your stall of just what a fun guy/girl you are going to be for the long term. So…

Do

Keep it varied. You have a new partner to do exciting things with. DO THEM! It is not good enough just to go to the same 2 or 3 restaurants and bars on a loop – even your winning personality will struggle to keep that fresh. And there are all sorts of things you can do now… from Crazy Golf inside bars, to Go-Karting, to Music Theatre experiences (Only do that if you can actually sing – if you can’t – maybe Indoor Climbing, Pub Quizzes… seriously – there are things out there for every kind of taste and experience… I know that sharing a pic ‘n’ mix at the cinema is perhaps the most exciting you get (And legit – it costs as much as a tasting menu at a posh restaurant), but think outside the box, lest you get put in the box marked “BORING”…

Don’t

Propose. Just because after God knows how many months of trying you have managed to not only find someone on the apps who is a) A real person and b) Can bear the sight of you naked, it does not mean you should mistake this for “meant to be.” Dating may have changed slightly, but some rules still remain – such as “Marry in haste, repent at leisure.” There is a reason that second marriages are known as the triumph of hope over experience! Just calm down, hold your horses, and breathe… because I do not want to be writing “The Do’s and Don’ts of a third wedding” in 10 years time!

Happy dating!