By Stewart Lochrie
Gents, it’s the month of love, but if you're feeling low about your romantic missteps, fret not. The Loaded Cupid World Cup is here to remind you that, no matter how bad your romance plans might be, these blokes have redefined the art of being absolute plonkers in the love department. Let’s dive into the contenders and crown the ultimate king of calamity.
The Players
Adam Levine
The Maroon 5 crooner can’t seem to keep his DM game in check. Texting fans and allegedly sending messages like a teenage boy who’s just discovered emojis? Mate, maybe she will be loved, but not like that.
Joe Jonas
Filed for divorce from Sophie Turner via his lawyer. A modern gentleman? Hardly. Add in the public smearing of your ex-wife’s parenting while you’re off galavanting on stage, and you’ve hit peak wanker territory.
David Beckham
Becks tried to play the “loyal husband” card in his Netflix docuseries, skirting around long-rumoured allegations of infidelity with the subtlety of a rhino in a lingerie shop. “We got through it,” he claims. Sure, mate. Posh looks like she still has the receipts.
Elon Musk
Not content with fathering a football team’s worth of kids, the Tesla tycoon allegedly ghosted his baby mama, Grimes, after a third child together. But hey, at least he's saving the planet? Oh wait, he’s not doing that either.
Harry Kane
The England captain may have scored goals on the pitch, but moving his entire family to Germany without consulting his wife reportedly caused quite the domestic rift. "Playing for Bayern Munich," he said. "Ja, living in Munich," she said—through gritted teeth.
The Semi-Finals
Adam Levine vs. Joe Jonas
Adam’s cringe-worthy sexts might make him a laughingstock, but at least he didn’t drag kids into his mess. Joe, you took Sophie Turner, the Queen in the North, and made her a pawn in your pity PR tour. That’s a red card.
Winner: Joe Jonas
David Beckham vs. Elon Musk
Becks may be dodgy, but Musk’s baby drama plays out like a sci-fi soap opera. With names like X Æ A-12, he’s given his kids passwords instead of proper names and a missing father figure to boot.
Winner: Elon Musk
The Final
Joe Jonas vs. Elon Musk
Joe’s reputation might be in tatters, but Musk has managed to weaponize love, fatherhood, and space-age narcissism. Sorry, Joe, but you’re just a slightly bitter ex-husband. Musk’s world domination of wankery knows no bounds.
Winner: Elon Musk
The Verdict
Whether it’s sliding into DMs, weaponising divorce lawyers, or treating fatherhood like a franchise, these lads remind us what not to do in matters of the heart. But hey, at least they’ve provided the rest of us with some golden material for the pub chat. Cheers, lads—now do better.
Disclaimer: If your love life ever resembles these stories, it’s time to switch to decaf.
