From 26th July to 11th August, sportspersons from around the globe (or corners of the earth for your Flat-Earthers) will compete in Paris to see who is the best at everything from running to breakdancing. Yes, f*cking breakdancing. But don’t despair, I hear there’s a petition going to push hard for a Hawk Tuah Spit-Off at the Winter Olympics in Cortina d'Ampezzo, which would be fitting seeing as the venue is a bit of a mouthful.
I find that hard to swallow, but the fact is, the games are on, so which of the Brits should we be cheering on with some confidence this time around?
I remember the golden days of Coe and Ovett, Duncan Goodhew, Allan Wells, and Mr Motivator. Sadly, none of those will compete this year, which surely puts us at a disadvantage. Fear not my friends, there’s an up-and-coming bunch of youngsters who can still make us proud.
I know what it takes to be a champion, I’ve elbowed more kids out of the way at my local parkrun than you’ve had hot dinners.
So who is the Spanner dosh going on?
Athletics - Men’s 400 metres - Matthew Hudson-Smith
This guy is fast. I mean proper fast. He set a new men’s 400m European record at the London Athletics Meet in July and became the first European to run sub 44 seconds. To put that into perspective, in the time he ran one lap of the track, Taylor Swift would only have had the time to go out with two blokes and write songs about why she dumped them.
I predict that not only will Hudson-Smith bring home gold, but he’ll beat that record again. He is pure class. Good luck Taylor and Hudson-Smith.
Athletics- Women’s 800m: Keely Hodgkinson
At just 22 years of age, this Olympic poster girl just gets better and better. The BBC Sport’s Personality of the Year award winner recently became the sixth fastest woman in 800 metre history at the London Diamond League, and I wouldn’t want to bet against her in Paris. The rumours are that if she wins gold, she’s going to treat herself to a new Porsche Cayman. If my tenner bet on her is successful, I’ve got my eye on a £3.99 vintage bottle of Pomagne I saw on Ebay. 1994 was a great year.
Athletics- Men’s 1500m: Josh Kerr
The super-Scot is a force to be reckoned with on his day. This writer confesses to have won a few quid on a previous success of his. Mainly because I couldn’t spell Jakob Ingebrigtsen on my betting slip. The latter named is the hot favourite to take this, and there’s no denying he has the class to do so, but I think Kerr will mindf*ck him again and cause a surprise.
Men’s Mountain Biking: Tom Pidcock
Cycling has apparently cleaned up its act since the dopey-days of Lance Armstrong. Personally, I think the drug cheaters did well to win anything at all. I remember my best mate taking coke and cycling straight into a hedge. Mountain biking is a different kind of discipline though and there are no indications that drug use is rife, or indeed necessary.
So let’s look at our main contender, Tom Pidcock, who had to withdraw from the Tour De France due to that bastard Covid thing. Pidcock is here to defend the mountain bike gold he won in Tokyo. It’ll be a tough ask, but I reckon he can do it.
Swimming- Men’s 100m Breaststroke: Adam Peaty
A confident Peaty is a hard one to beat, and his defiant claim that he thinks he can not only bring home gold but break the world record in doing so is a bold one. Peaty confesses that he is a new man, having recently found God. Presumably, Satanism wasn’t working out for him? That aside, Peaty is the swimming sprint king, and will be hard to beat.
So bring it on Paris, and let’s hope to God TeamGB can bring something home this summer.
