- By Paul Symonds
My name is Paul and I am addicted to running. Well, when I say “running,” I mean, loudly announcing to whoever is in earshot that I’m going to go out for a run, getting all geared up, stretching my body into a variety of the least sexy poses ever known to womankind, then looking out the window and finding absolutely any excuse not to go through with it. Honestly, my ex was right: I am a pathetic excuse for a man, that only the truly blind, deaf, or desperate would sleep with I’m a bit lazy.
I’m being harsh on myself, I do manage to get my lardy arse waddling around about once a week (form an orderly cue ladies) and I do kind of enjoy it – but I am left wondering, as my calf, back, kidneys and thighs scream at me afterwards… Is this shit doing me any good at all?
To answer this question, I’m going to look at the Good: The physical and mental health stats. The Bad: The injury stats. And the downright Bat Shit: Donald Trump’s opinion, to work out whether I should keep plodding away…
So, like, obviously it’s good for you yeah? Any exercise is good you would think. According to the British Heart Foundation, regular physical activity such as running can reduce the risk of heart and circulatory disease by up to 35%. Wow! 35% less chance that I won’t cark it face first in a bowl of Wotsits whilst shouting obscenities at my useless football team. But – note of caution – that is defined as 150 minutes moderate exercise a week, where you are slightly out of breath… Well, that’s easy then! Only 150 minutes?! I’ll do it twice! – A mere 2 and a half hours a week, in my luxurious ocean of spare time that I have! Not to burst your balloon BHF – but honestly – between the kids, a job, writing (yes, this does take me more than 5 mins smart arse) and all the lifemin I have to do, I’m lucky if I have the energy to sit on the throne, let alone go out every day. If I had 150 minutes per week spare, there’s so much I could do! I would be fluent in Mandarin! I would attempt to understand what crypto is, I would actually talk to my children?!
To be fair, running probably falls under “vigorous exercise” - even if, like me, you would lose a race to your average arthritic sloth… even if they gave you a head start – so the stat in that category is 75 mins per week. I just about have the time for that, if I doubled my current regime – but given I only run for about 30/45 mins per week, and my knees feel as fresh as three-year-old milk, what are the stats saying about injuries?
Well, the news here is mixed, on the one hand the British Journal of Sports Medicine suggests that running can help prevent knee osteoarthritis by maintaining cartilage health and strengthening surrounding muscles. Also, studies published in The Lancet show that weight-bearing exercises like running can increase bone density by up to 3-5%. That is all well and good, but 3-5% of strength of your bone and a strong cartilage might make little difference when you’re putting the pressure of 20 stones of beer and bad choices through your knee! Around 40-50% of runners report suffering from “runners’ knee” – which sadly isn’t the thing you get to do (runners? Knee em!) to them when they start droning on about personal bests, or talk about how they naturally “Don’t get tired.” It’s where the kneecap doesn’t move properly with the femur, causing irritation and inflammation, and can be down to overuse. With runners who run on hard surfaces being 2.5 times as likely to injure themselves… that’s a lot of risk for the average city centre lolloper like me…
- (“Me, running. Fluid provided by the wonderful Welsh weather… not me… I promise…”)
But, before you think that I have given up – anecdotally, running makes me feel good! Granted, it’s always after I’ve actually finished doing the sodding thing. I can count the number of times on no fingers that I’ve taken a moment, as I struggle to get enough oxygen in my lungs and my legs ask why I hate them so much, to think, “oh I’m really enjoying freezing my tits off in this park, I’m loving this feeling of mortality as I’m overtaken by a pensioner, this actual pain is way more fun than watching TV, isn’t exercise brilliant!” But it is undeniable, that once you realise that that you are not going to actually die on a pavement, in Lycra, that the endorphins make you feel great. According to Mind, running and other forms of aerobic exercise can reduce symptoms of depression and anxiety by 30-40% and another study found that regular running provided the same effect to some people as taking anti-depressants. But then, that study never watched me trying to squeeze into a pair of Lycra running tights. There’s no getting away from how depressing a sight that is!
The final word on this, as with everything at the moment, comes down to that known physical specimen, that renowned athletic hunk, that in-no-way cheeseburger shaped adonis - Donald J. Trump. He once stated that
“I’ve heard of these people who run marathons, they don’t last as long. The body has a certain amount of energy, and you just don’t want to wear it out.”
Well, there you have it, we all have a finite amount of energy, which runs out and then you die, so running will actually hasten your death… to which the only response is - For God’s sake, someone get that man a treadmill...
So, should we run? I’d come down on the side of yes. Because even though anyone with commitments like a job, family, or spouse would maybe struggle to fit in 75 mins of running, and the constant laundry cycle for your kit is enough to turn anyone Trump; Any running, no matter how slow, irregular, or half-arsed... is going to be worthwhile to your heart, head, and bone health. And you can get new knees on the NHS now anyway!
Happy Plodding!
