Rocket: So Tom, Euro 2024 is coming up and Loaded have tasked us with answering a few simple questions. I think we can do better than that though, this could be an opportunity to really educate their audience on the tournament.
Tom: Are we really in a position to do that? Name one Belgium player.
Rocket: Howay! That’s easy, Marouane Fellaini.
Tom: I think we should just stick to the questions.
Rocket: Fair enough. Where will you be watching the tournament?
Rocket: I’ve been lucky enough to go to a few tournaments in the past but for me, nothing tops watching it in the garden at home with mates. BBQ fired up, beer in hand, cheap England bunting flapping in the breeze. Can’t beat it.
Tom: I don’t want to go all the way to Germany just to be disappointed by England, I can do that at home. Fair play to those fans who go to the trouble of stuffing some chainlink armour into their suitcase though, those guys are iconic. Nothing says ‘England are out’ like the camera panning to a miserable looking medieval fella stood in a half-empty stadium. What’s your favourite Euros memory?
Rocket: It’s got to be Gazza’s goal against Scotland in ’96. The flick, the goal, the celebration! I remember recreating that celebration on a lads holiday in Kavos... and by ‘remember’ I mean I’ve seen some dodgy photos which hopefully never see the light of day. Good times.
Tom: For me it was Greece winning it in 2004. The football was horrible but there was something funny about watching the likes of Figo, Raul and Zidane being bored off the ball. What are you not looking forward to about the Euros?
Rocket: Getting knocked out... and I don’t mean by a drunken fan in a pub. Every year I promise myself that I won’t get my hopes up and every year I do. It’s like getting into bed with your wife after a day of getting strong signals only for her to go and put on some comfy PJs and start applying little blobs of Sudocrem to her face. It’s heartbreaking!
Tom: There’s a weird thing happening now where a lot of younger fans seem to support players instead of teams. Presuming this’ll be Cristiano Ronaldo’s final tournament, I think the CR7 fanboys will be insufferable. Who’s your player to watch?
Rocket: Being a United fan I’ve got to go with Kobbie Mainoo. The kid is quality! Annoyingly I don’t think he’ll get much game time for three reasons: he’s 18, it’s his first major tournament and Southgate might try and ‘protect’ him by not playing him. If he does get a run out I’m sure we’ll see some magic.
Tom: Germany’s Florian Wirtz has been instrumental for Bayer Leverkusen this season and Julian Nagelsmann will be looking for more of the same this summer. The fact that Leverkusen won the Bundesliga so early could mean he goes into the competition fresher than most, he’ll be brimming with confidence, desperate to put on a bit of a show having missed the World Cup through injury and it’s all happening in his own backyard. I think everything’s set up for this assist merchant to have a massive Euros.
Rocket: Assist merchant?
Tom: I panicked whilst trying to sound young. What’s a Gen Z term? Clutch player! That’ll do. Which team will perform the worst?
Rocket: Through no real fault of their own, I’m going Albania. There’s groups of death and then there’s Euro 2024’s Group B. Spain, Italy and Croatia! You have to feel for them. It’s going to be like me trying to compete in the ‘World’s Tallest Man’ competition; you know I’m coming up short.
Tom: The easy answer would be Georgia because they’ve never qualified before but debutants Wales reached the semis in 2016 and Roy Hodgson will attest to the fact that Iceland also did alright in that tournament. They’re an unknown quantity and that can be dangerous. If anyone’s going home with zero points, it’s Albania. I hope they prove us wrong though, I love an underdog. Which team gets the ‘participation’ award?
Rocket: It’s become tradition to label Belgium as dark horses but I can’t see them doing much in this tournament. It feels like the time has been and gone for this current crop of players. They’ve not been the same since Marouane Fellaini retired!
Tom: For me, Switzerland are to the Euros what Mexico are to the World Cup: always there, good enough to get out the group, not good enough to get past the quarters. Pointless. Forget Kane and Mbappe. Who’s your OUTSIDE shout for the Golden Boot?
Rocket: Romelu Lukaku. I think he’ll score a few on Belgium’s road to nowhere.
Tom: Hear me out but I’m going to take a punt on another Leverkusen player, Patrik Schick. I don’t foresee the Czechs dazzling hipsters with false 9s or trequartistas so if anyone’s scoring for them, it’s him. Their group isn’t too hard and I reckon he could rack up a few early doors. Which team has the best kit?
Rocket: Denmark! I love it! It’s proper old school. I’m a big fan of Hummel shirts and this is an absolute beauty. I also quite like France’s kit, have you seen the size of the cock? I’d like to get my hands on one of those.
Tom: The best one is Wales away but selfishly, they didn’t bother qualifying. There’s something about the flame effect on the Germany kit that really appeals to the 90s kid inside me but I agree with you Rock, that Danish shirt is Hummel’s Mona Lisa. Masterpiece! Which team has the worst kit?
Rocket: Hungary’s looks like it’s been plucked out of a Sports Direct bargain bin from 2006. I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing so I’m gonna go Serbia. It looks like it’s been left scrunched up on a windowsill for too long.
Tom: I don’t like the anal beads on the Switzerland shirt.
Rocket: But you do like the ones in the drawer next to your bed I’ve heard.
Tom: Remind me again why we’re not doing this interview for The Athletic? Who is your dark horse to win Euro 2024?
Rocket: Don’t underestimate Denmark. They’re with us in Group C and they’ve got some good players. They’re in safe hands with Kasper Schmeichel and of course, the talisman of that team, Christian Eriksen.
Tom: I think you’ve just been seduced by that kit. I’m tipping Hungary to party like it’s 1953: a 6-3 win over England and a funeral for Joseph Stalin. What a year to be a Magyar! Who will win Euro 2024?
Rocket: I can’t help but get caught up in the spirit of ‘It’s coming home’. I’m backing England all the way. Come on boys!
Tom: Germany. I think people will underestimate them because of their poor form and how they stunk up their last three tournaments. That will play into their hands, especially on home soil. They’re due.
Rocket: Your favourites are Germany!? Your Grandad won’t like that.
Tom: My Grandad’s actually quite happy to turn his back on his country depending on who has the tastiest odds (Spain. 8/1. In case you were wondering...). It’s not that I don’t believe England can win it, they’ve certainly got the players. It’s actually a case of me secretly not wanting them to win it. There’s a masochistic part of me that actually gets a kick from the heartache and longing. If we win it, what’s left to emotionally invest in?
Rocket: The World Cup!?
Tom: That’ll be a dark day when we win that. Football fandom will have peaked on these fair isles. Stop all the clocks and all that...
Rocket: Calm down mate, bit deep for a Loaded fluff piece. Anyway, I had a chat with my mate Gaz and he told me it’s now or never so watch this space...