- By Stewart Lochrie
Lads, it’s March. You’ve made it through Dry Jan, fake-Feb fitness fads, and now it’s time to reward yourself with the real MVP of modern living: the snack. Whether you’re stuck on a delayed train, pretending to work from home, or sneakily scoffing something before dinner, snacks are the glue holding our fragile lives together. So, we present to you: the Snack World Cup 2025 – where only the crunchiest, saltiest, most nostalgia-loaded legends survive.
The Contenders
Wotsits – Bright orange finger dust, weirdly addictive, and somehow airier than a Love Island contestant’s head. Ideal for lazy snacking but about as filling as a gust of wind.
Mini Cheddars – The posh cousin of crisps. Cheesy, crunchy, and always reliable. Pairs beautifully with a pint or pretending you’re watching the game while actually just eating.
Scampi Fries – Smells like regret, tastes like pub heaven. Not one for the Tinder crowd, but you’re not here to pull, you’re here for greatness.
Monster Munch (Pickled Onion) – The OG school lunch crisp. Packs a punch, burns your nostrils slightly, and makes you question your life choices. Still a classic.
Hula Hoops – Finger food for the bored man-child. Crunchy rings of joy, perfect for the indecisive snacker.
Pork Scratchings – Part snack, part dental hazard. Salty, meaty, and potentially weaponised. Best consumed in a pub that hasn’t had a refurb since 1987.
The Semi-Finals
Wotsits vs. Monster Munch
Monster Munch has the nostalgia and the flavour intensity of a Glaswegian bouncer. Wotsits just float about being nice. Not today, sunshine.
Winner: Monster Munch
Scampi Fries vs. Pork Scratchings
This is like a punch-up behind the pub. Scampi Fries stink, Pork Scratchings hurt, but one is clearly more loyal to the pint-sinking elite.
Winner: Pork Scratchings
The Final: Monster Munch vs. Pork Scratchings
It’s the Battle of the Beasts. But while Pork Scratchings bring brute force and crunch, Monster Munch brings flavour, nostalgia, and zero chance of losing a tooth. The people’s champ wins again.
Winner: Monster Munch (Pickled Onion) – A snack so powerful, it makes you proud to be British.
Final Verdict
In the wild world of snacking, only one treat can rule them all. Monster Munch takes the gold for being loud, proud, and unapologetically smelly. If you disagree, that’s fine—but you’re wrong.
Stay salty, boys. The summer bod can wait.
