This was not the plan. But then the plan was never to marry that dickhead WHO TOOK THE BEST YEARS OF YOUR YOUTH! But yeah, you’re fine, you’re over it, you’re BREEZY… and… you’re ready to move on …. which is why you find yourself as a 40+, driving the desperation highway, looking for that last chance at happiness before you are forced to give up, get an unspecified number of cats, and scare the local children when they come within eye range.
Welcome to the world of app/internet dating! It is an eye-watering assault of weirdness, fun, despair at humanity, and pictures of topless blokes holding a fish… (seriously boys – fishing is not sexy…) It will teach you a lot about human nature, the opposite sex, and just how dismissive of an entire person you can be, by the flick of a finger… oh the power!
Now, I am no properly qualified expert, I am literally writing this to make my girlfriend, who I met on Tinder, laugh…. I was literally her first ever Tinder date… true story (that she hates)… and through the sheer weight of my brilliance* (*a truck load of alcohol, some questionable safety decisions during the date, and a lot of patience since) we have been together pretty much from that day on. Prior to that, I had about five years of grafting across the different apps (on and off).
So dear reader… You are in luck, I am here from the lofty heights of “one successful Tinder romance ever” to educate you on the do’s and don’ts of Bumble/Tinder/Hinge/POF, in order to find your new life partner/shag/boring no personality date/stalker.
You’re welcome! And here we go….
DO
Use recent pictures of yourself
Honestly, nothing quite beats the thrill of that walk up to the pub for the first date… The anticipation, as you eagerly, nervously scan the amassed faces for the one that has been filling up your message box… and nothing quite matches the disappointment when you sort of recognise a face, which kind of, vaguely, looks like the person you were talking to on Tinder… but eight years later.
Honestly, there’s no point sugar coating it. Myself and many, many of my female friends have turned up to that first date, only to meet somebody hiding behind very old photos… Look - Jessica, 42, we were all young and hot once (well, in my case…. Young and passable…. well… young and passable if drunk…… OK FINE…. JUST YOUNG) and - as good as botox now is - Dave, 48, it ain’t gonna bring back your hairline, so using a photo of when you used to have some, is just false advertising.
All most of us want is to meet somebody that is comfortable in their own skin and isn’t looking to make a dress out of yours…. So be upfront about what you want, and that starts with your picture...
DON’T
Lie about your age
See above… You may feel like you’re still 35 – Dez, 35… but you’re actually a 51-year-old chartered accountant, Derek.
DO
Actually, fill in your bio
Even the thirstiest of dudes will eventually want to know a little about the person he’s swiping on. I’ve heard 😋.
He will want a bit of conversation, no matter how attractive you are, people always want someone who will make them laugh. And dudettes, if you’re wanting someone to start a conversation with you, a bit of detail about your likes, dislikes etc. actually gives him something to play with. But...
DON’T
Put too much detail in your bio
You don’t have to be super paranoid about this age of internet sleuths being able to find out everything about everyone from what they say/what pictures they use… but… you’ve seen Baby Reindeer (and all the fallout). People are awful! Stay inside and lock the doors!
DO
Be. FUNNY.
Men… we need to talk… The girls I have spoken to have swiped and swiped through reams of shirtless selfies. So, what if you’ve climbed Snowdon? Who cares if you paddle-boarded?! Once. You mean you actually managed to get to a beach in 2018. AT SUNSET?!? WHAT AN AMAZING AND UNIQUE EXPERIENCE….
What a lot of people are looking for, I’ve been told, is that thing called HUMOUR. Be interesting, a little bit self-deprecating maybe, just have a little joke, or quirky statement. The ones who take it, twist it, use it to take the piss, banter about it... they are the gold my friend.
DON’T
Go straight in on the heavy stuff
Honestly – I’ve been shown exchanges that go something like…
Girl: “Hi! So I see you like fishing”
Boy: “I do…….”
Boy: “Show me your tits.”
I mean… I’m paraphrasing… But seriously... I think it is uncontroversial to suggest people want a bit of conversation before the sex stuff comes in… people want some flirting, piss taking, a bit of banter. Maybe an interest in what you have to say, and parts of your life story (be brief).. they don’t want three messages that go “How R U?” before wanging out your dick pic... Show a little willing, not a little willy.
DO
Try and meet someone outside of your usual type
I was on and off the apps for roughly five years before I met my girlfriend... And I had a series of dates with women who could’ve been clones… Brown hair, 5ft 6- 5ft 8, kinda pale English rose type looks, and nothing really stuck. I took one date with a 5ft nothing half-Italian red head and bam! Total happiness. (Until she reads this)
DON’T
Set your age parameters too low
Craig, 43, honestly love, in your head, you may think your worldly wisdom, looks and confidence will be enough to date any attractive 25–30-year-old. But I have news for you fella. The young are like a different species. You know what the “A-team” was, you can call people on the phone without a 16 WhatsApp-message pre-amble, the only “gains” you’re getting are to your waistline. Leave the youngsters to their Tik Tok, their strange resistance to binge drinking as a life goal, and their emotional maturity. You shouldn’t go more than 10 years younger unless you are rich, famous, and looking for one final trophy wife to help you piss your children’s inheritance up the wall. (Hi Rupert!)
DO
Something fun for a date
It may not be the first date – people might be just a little bit nervous if the first time you meet them involves handling deadly weapons in the axe throwing arena. But if you are charming (normal), polite (normal), and totally unthreatening (and normal) during date 1, you may ask for/be asked on dates 2 and 3… so have something fun in your mind. Here’s a few suggestions...
Crazy golf
Darts
Wing walking
A polygraph test
DON’T
Get too drunk on a first date
Don’t trust drunk-you to make sober-you decisions. Drunk-you is a jackass. We’re in our 40s now... we all know the messes drunken you has created for sober you to get out of…
Also... stay safe kids!
DO
Take this all with a pinch of salt
No-one really knows anything about dating – Everyone can find someone who gives all their boxes a good ticking! And there are a million different websites/apps that will help you find your own special someone. But….
Happy Hunting! And here is a gratuitous picture of me and my girlfriend that I got off Tinder, on a fun day out. (I believe that all photos should accurately represent one’s height.
