Forgive Me Father
Welcome to the Loaded confessions booth, where dignity comes to die, and honesty turns up half-cut, smelling faintly of regret and cheap perfume.
These are the stories people swear they’d never tell out loud, usually because they were naked, lying, drunk, or doing that thing they promised themselves they were definitely over by now. Some are stupid, some are filthy, most are painfully relatable, and all of them were submitted with the firm assurance of “you can print this, just don’t use my name.”
So, loosen your morals, and enjoy a reminder that no matter how together everyone else looks, we’re all one bad decision away from ending up in this section.
I once faked knowing how to DJ at a house party and ended up playing Barbie Girl on loop for an hour. No one noticed.
I go to the gym, take a selfie in the locker room, buy a protein smoothie, and leave without touching a single weight. My followers think I'm a beast.
I told my mates I “pulled” on holiday. In reality, I spent the week eating ice cream alone and watching couples argue.
I still check my ex’s Instagram. Not because I miss her. It’s just to confirm I’ve aged better.
I’ve convinced my girlfriend that our dog can only understand commands if they’re spoken in a thick, 1920s Peaky Blinders accent. Now I get to watch her scream 'BY ORDER OF THE SHELBY FAMILY, SIT!' in the middle of the park every Sunday.
I bought a guitar during lockdown to “reinvent myself.” It’s now an expensive coat rack.
I once blamed “traffic” for being late to work. I work from home.
I joined a 'Competitive Birdwatching' society as a cover. I’ve spent £400 on binoculars and a camouflage jacket just to sit in a pub garden with a girl from Tinder. If the wife ever asks to see a Goldfinch, I’m fucked.
When my mother-in-law visits, I run the vacuum over the carpet in straight lines just to get those 'clean house' stripes, even if I haven't actually emptied the bin in months.
I told the missus I’ve taken up marathon training to 'find my inner zen.' I’ve actually just been power-walking to a pub three miles away to meet a girl I met on a 'retro gaming' forum. I return home drenched in bottled water and panting like a Labrador to keep up the ruse.
We know you have a better one. Send in your confession to [email protected]