- by danni levy
Let’s be honest, cleaning is about as fun as watching paint dry on a rainy bank holiday. But every now and then, the crumbs, dog hair, and mystery pub carpet-level filth get too much and the hoover has to come out. So this month, we're ranking the mighty suckers in the Hoover World Cup 2025. One will triumph. Most will clog. All will suck (some better than others).
The Contenders
Henry Hoover – The working man’s vacuum. You know him. You’ve kicked him. Red face, goofy grin, 1980s tech in a 2025 world. Solid, durable, but only marginally more advanced than a dustpan and brush.
Dyson V15 Detect – Sleek, cordless, and looks like something Batman would use to clean the Batcave. Full of lasers and self-emptying wizardry, but you need a PhD and a second mortgage to understand the settings.
Shark Stratos DuoClean – Bit of a mouthful, like the crisps you spill that it tries to pick up. Strong suction, very loud, and constantly trying to prove it's better than a Dyson. Bit needy.
Eufy E28 – Enters the ring like a silent assassin. It mops. It vacuums. It self-cleans its own mop. It has 20,000 Pa suction, a HydroJet™ Self-Cleaning Mop System, and a CornerRover Arm that slides out like a Swiss Army knife for your skirting boards. Tangle-free, cordless, and more intelligent than half your mates. Buy Here
Eufy E25 – The budget sibling. No deep cleaner, but still has the HydroJet mopping and decent suction power. Like a wingman that doesn’t mess up the night.
Vax Blade 5 Pet – Loud, proud, and built to tackle the carnage your dog leaves behind. Powerful, but struggles with anything that isn’t dog hair. Battery life shorter than a pub argument.
The Semi-Finals
Henry vs. Dyson
Classic battle of British grit vs. posh tech. Henry’s durable but Dyson can hoover up a sandpit while telling you the air quality in your flat. Dyson edges it.
Winner: Dyson
Shark vs. Eufy E25
Shark barks loud but Eufy has brains. The E25 cleans while you watch telly and doesn’t whinge. Shark gets tangled up.
Winner: Eufy E25
Vax vs. Eufy E28
It’s a massacre. Vax runs out of battery after hoovering one rug. Eufy E28 glides in like a stealthy janitor, mopping, sucking, and scrubbing like it’s got something to prove.
Winner: Eufy E28
Final: Dyson vs. Eufy E28
Dyson’s a big name, but this is 2025 and the Eufy E28 is an AI-powered floor whisperer. While Dyson needs charging, emptying, and occasionally therapy, Eufy just gets on with it. With CornerRover Arms, 15N downward mopping pressure, and a self-cleaning mop, this is the hoover for blokes who hate cleaning but love results.
Winner: Eufy E28 – It vacuums, it mops, it cleans itself. It’s the future of cleaning, and it doesn’t judge you for the pizza box tower in the lounge.
Final Verdict
Cleaning doesn’t have to suck (well, not metaphorically). The Eufy E28 takes the cup for being smarter than your average robot, easier than dragging Henry up the stairs, and more reliable than Dyson’s battery. At £999, it’s an investment, sure. But think of it this way: it does everything so you don’t have to.
Now pour a pint, put your feet up, and let Eufy do the dirty work.
