If you are reading this article – the chances are that you are single. DO NOT SWEAT IT. Everyone feels like a swamp donkey, with all the charm of a Clarkson at a vegan restaurant, every now and then. But as Loaded’s fully-fledged dating expert (If you ask nicely, I’ll show you my certificate) it is my quest, no, my DUTY to help my fellow friends out!
So, I’ve come up with a genius plan… I’m going to delve into the ways that people actually meet their real-life partner, and suggest how you can use this to your advantage – by using these opportunities/places/people in a smart way so that you might let Cupid’s arrow strike you… (in the dick)
I’m going to interpret some proper rigorous science* and mix it with my GREAT SUGGESTIONS – and if you listen up – you can’t possibly fail**
*A YouGov poll I found on the internet
**I mean – arguably, getting dating advice from a divorced man in his 40s, on the internet, on how to meet a partner, COULD in itself be perceived as failure… but hey – we’ve both wasted five minutes on this grim venture now – so we may as well both see it through! (which incidentally – is exactly what I say to my girlfriend mid sex…)
The Science Bit
Yougov, the polling company, has been tracking how people meet their partner for years, and have a handy graph here that you can follow over time. It literally just lists how the respondents reported they met their partner, then turns that into a percentage.
As I write this, the last reading is September 2024 and had the following percentages:
Through Family – 3%
Through Friends – 16%
Through School – 4%
Through Work – 14%
Through University – 5%
Shared Hobby – 4%
Through a dating app – 8%
Online dating - 4% (So if you take them together it’s 12% maths fans)
In passing whilst out and about e.g. Pub, bar, club, café – 12%
I have not had a partner – 16%
Let’s break down how you can use this…
Through Family – 3%
Look – it is inexcusable to date your sister – even if you are from Norfolk, and even though it’s technically legal – stay away from blood relations, no matter how distant, lest you want to be known as a cousin-fucker in the local, and are willing to commit to your kids having more toes (12) than brain cells (4).
So – let’s think laterally – how can we use our family to introduce us to the future love of our lives/love for one night? Well – you could issue a ‘come-get-me-plea’ on the family Whatsapp group for a bit of help meeting someone – but be prepared for your mum to offer you an unsuitable daughter of one of her friends, who is pushing 60, whose last date was in 1987, and who has a better beard growing facility than you. Your dad will weigh in with a meme from 2016 that’s unrelated to anything being discussed and any siblings on the group will crack a rib through cringing too hard, before mercilessly ripping it out of you until one of you is on your deathbed. And possibly beyond.
I think you have to be more subtle: that Christmas party your sister is going to – be the good brother and offer her (plus her single, attractive) work friends a lift back. That dinner party at your brother’s – actually go, you might end up next to someone lovely by your sister-in-law... Basically – the more of these you go to, the more there’ll be a chance that not absolutely everyone you meet will be coupled up/an absolute psychopath in a dress.
Through Friends – 16%
This is the biggie – the highest scoring and the easiest to manage. If you actually have friends. If you don’t, sprint past this bit, go straight to therapy, and return when the work is done!
It was easier in your 20s, when you had nothing to do but actually just loaf around with a group of single guys/gals and all their various friends, usually whilst drunk… And stuff just kind of happened…
Well, that ship has sailed my friend. Your only hope now is to let your friends, acquaintances, and Facebook friends that you met once somewhere - but now really can’t fathom why they wish you happy birthday once a year – know that you are very much available. But you can’t be too direct, you have to be subtle, you have to advertise the fact you are resolutely single without mentioning it.
Here’s a list of things of ‘obviously single’ behaviour
- Post photos of you and your dog.
- If you don’t have a dog – get a dog.
- Post videos of you playing guitar and singing ‘90s classics earnestly
- Learn to ride a unicycle
- Join a running club
All of these perform the crucial job of secretly screaming “I AM SINGLE WITH FAR TOO MUCH TIME ON MY HANDS!” without saying it out loud – so hopefully, your circle will notice, take pity on you, and invite you to a social gathering where you can be sat next to all the other divorcees. Like a children’s table at a wedding. Only with more crying. And hey presto – you can meet someone through friends!
Through School – 4%
I’ll be generous, I’ll believe that since the constabulary had a strong word over your “misunderstanding” with a group of sixth formers from St Catherine’s… that you’ve stayed away from girls in school uniform. GOOD IDEA. So, unless YouGov’s sample is entirely “People who have had their hard drive seized by the police” – we’ll take “through school” to mean those couples, like Wayne and Colleen Rooney, that met before they were 16. And just like them, have had a blissful marriage involving *checks press* - ill-advised late-night visits to Brothels, Granny shagging, multiple infidelities, and Rebekah Vardy with a pair of binoculars over their garden fence? No? Just the Rooneys then…
But as you are trying to find a partner and as you’re not under 16 anymore (apart from maybe your sense of humour) you’re going to be having to use the adult portion of the school as your base of operations. If you have kids, congratulations, you can hang around a school (at appropriate times), even talk to attractive parents or teachers (appropriately) or could maybe even join one of the godforsaken PTA events that you would rather digest your own eyeballs than attend.
Failing that – the school is going to be a hard operating sphere… You could retrain to be a primary school teacher if you’re a bloke? Only about 15% of primary teachers are men… Sure, you are essentially single because the thought of committing to looking after any children brings you out in hives, and now you’ll be looking after 30, every day! And it’ll take you years to get there – but still – 85% is good odds! Particularly when….
Through Work 14%
Ok so generally…this is a no-good, terrible, career-ending idea. The phrase “you don’t shit where you eat” was invented for this. Honestly – do not sleep with anyone you work with, or before you can say “HR FINAL WARNING” you will regret it.
Having said that, 14% of people manage to not alienate half the office by sleeping with them at one point or another! And they make it stick. So, maybe we need to work out how best to use work to your advantage. Maybe you need to find a career where members of the opposite sex (or same sex if that’s your flavour) are automatically attracted to you by dint of what you do. Here is a handy heterosexual list…
For men – you should consider becoming
- A fireman
- A professional footballer
- Rich
For Women – You should consider becoming…
- Ah who am I kidding – do you have a pulse? You’ll be fine…
Through University – 5%
Similar to the school category – it is possibly way too late for you to go to have the quintessential “Love at University” experience. Where you meet someone in week 3, get together, stay together despite having nothing really in common, depriving you both of half the misadventures you should be enjoying. Somehow staying together despite the terrible sex, and feeling that you’ve stolen each other’s youth, before eventually either splitting up around 25-28 or getting married to them.
So again, maybe think of this method as an adjunct to a proper all-encompassing mid-life crisis where you jack in your middle management job to “find yourself” by going back to Uni to do a degree in poetry, or screenwriting. But if you are going to do this PLAY THE ODDS - maybe you’ve always wanted to work as a beautician? Or study veterinary studies? (82.6% students are female) Maybe you can combine the two and start a career as a horse beautician?! At least it would give you a fun fact to discuss….
Shared hobby – 4%
Salsa Class? Check. Mixed badminton at the local leisure centre? (not a euphemism for dogging I assure you) Stand Up Paddle boarding? Yes… these are all cast-iron ways of spending time that you will NEVER GET BACK, but handily, also, they are things that you can do where you may meet someone new. If your hobbies are no more exotic than “trying out each new takeaway as it opens” then you might think about getting some new ones, sharpish.
Through a dating app – 8%
Online dating 4% (taken together 12%)
We get screamed at all the time that this is the only way that people meet each other now, and to a certain extent, that is true… my last 3 girlfriends were all met either on an app or an online dating site (I approached them on www.blindandnotpicky.com – if you’re asking) so it does work for some people… But only about 1 in 10.
So, how to conquer the dating apps… well... there’s several approaches, some do the numbers game and merrily swipe away until they get repetitive strain injury in the wrist (at least that’s where they claim it’s from) figuring that they’ll do the actual choosing when they get response to their likes. It’s a novel approach, kind of cruelly impressive. Or you can go the other way, and curate responses/approaches/write bardic poetry to your matches and hope that they are intimidated by the amount you have written, won’t read it, and will go out with you anyway…
But in Summary. Essentially…. Ah... who am I kidding… it’s a bin fire, it’s the wild west, throw your hat in the ring and see if you come out alive!
In passing whilst out and about e.g. Pub, bar, club, café – 12%
Well now… I remember what this was like in a little far away historical period called “the ‘90s.” Your eyes would be drawn to someone looking cute across a smoke filled nightclub… you’d see if they held your gaze for a second too long, then you’d make your way over to attempt to talk to them… you’d open your mouth, and dry up in a moment of existential panic, whilst dredging your brain for anything that would make you seem nice, funny, non-threatening, non-drunk and a great all round human.
But you are you, so you would just mumble “Sorry.” leave and then avoid that place for a good six months.
Nowadays, the theory is, that people have siloed off dating into apps or online spaces, so when they are out, they are just out to dance with their mates (women) or tell the same 4 anecdotes to each other, whilst grumbling about how a single pint now costs the same as a whole round used to (Men).
The theory is, that people don’t want their “boundaries” trampled on by something as old fashioned as “trying to cop off” Well, I say… Let’s try to bring it back! Let’s remind the world of the magic of coincidentally being at the same place, at the same time… Let’s bring back pick up lines! “Here’s 10p, phone your mum and tell her you’ve pulled” will now literally make no sense to anyone under 40… so why not give it a whirl to see if “vintage” ‘90s pick-up lines can be appreciated the same as “vintage” ‘90s fashion? And if that fails – just say you were being ironic! (Another ‘90s reference – thanks Alanis).
In all seriousness, just try talking to someone interesting when you’re out. If you manage to be standing next to them at the bar or something, see if you can get the magic of a meet-cute going in a world where everything has seemingly been reduced to pressing fucking buttons on a screen. You never know – this brave new world of actually meeting real people, in a real place might catch on!
And that’s your lot – I hope I’ve helped you solve your major life crisis/given you five minutes of amused scrolling whilst on the bog! And remember – you are a wonderful unique human being, with a raft of lovable qualities and there is someone out there for everyone!
Happy hunting!
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