Fucking hell, Loaded’s back and it’s so with the times it’s coming at us with all this therapy shit! Time to close the laptop forever, you say? No, relax a bit will you. It’s just some words on a screen. But actually, it’s also a lot of psychology and could be USEFUL, or not. But why not spend a couple minutes here instead of flicking through those reels or other activities that make you feel bad? Exactly.
When it comes to romantic and sexual relationships, attachment theory is the idea that we are prone to behaving a certain way when we get attached to someone. Because we love them. Aw. These attachment styles are: anxious, avoidant, secure. The latter’s alright, having one of the other two can be a pain in the ass to live with.
Often, those repeated patterns in how things go south in your relationship (and we don’t mean oral), can be helped by understanding your attachment style. You may recognise them in a mate, too. If so, drop them this article.
The seminal text, your bible, is Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel S. F. Heller. This’ll tell you all you need to know. But if you want a distilled idea, here we are. There’s three main types of attachment:
Anxious
Do you worry they’ll leave you all the fucking time? Can you not get out of bed before a sense of doom washes over you that they’ll get bored and call time on things? Or that they’ll definitely cheat because why wouldn’t they, they’re great and you’re shite. And they haven’t replied to your texts for two hours. If you said ‘yes, probably how I end up’ to much of the above, you’re becoming anxious. You can see how this can stall progress: you’re unable to trust nor to see them as staying with you. You’ll spend the time worrying and not being in the moment.
Avoidant
Do you find you’re dating someone, and it’s all going good, you like each other and spend time together often, and then more often, and then suddenly, you feel like you’re going to get joined at the hip and it makes you want to run a mile. And so you start making a point of not replying often, or closing off when you’re asked something, or telling yourself they’re too clingy when actually they might not be? Then you’re being avoidant. Of course, this can stop the connection deepening, which us, not conducive to getting with them, is it? Especially if they’re anxious.
Secure
The sound one, when you feel pretty chill and content and happy and not worried about the relationship one way or the other (not that you’re unbothered, just that you have no reason to doubt things are fine). Nice. Aim to be here, and by working on yourself if you’re either of the two above (even just admitting it and learning why) is a good way to start.
The fourth is called ‘disorganised’ and it’s a little more complicated, and is often said to stem from childhood trauma, according to Psychology Today. They also recommend therapy especially in this instance.
All done, on with your doom-scrolling!