- By Paul Symonds
It’s such a huge question, isn’t it? And it’s one that can only be answered by some of the greatest thinkers the world has ever seen… So, what is the view ascribed to 19th Century playwright and master of words Oscar Wilde?
“Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. Second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.”
Admittedly, he allegedly wasn’t the biggest fan of the old hetero - one man + one woman monogamy lifestyle, so maybe we take that view with a pinch of salt. How about a pro argument? Let’s sprint forward 90 or so years, to known “family values” defender and Conservative Party politician - John Major (married to wife Norma for 55 years and still going strong)
"Marriage is the bedrock of society. It is about stability, commitment, and mutual support, and it is the foundation of the family."
Ok, we’ll put you down as a big fan then Johnny boy – but then, you did, allegedly, spend most of the 80s and 90s scrambling Edwina Currie’s eggs – so can we fully trust your opinion?
I’ve got it! We need the wisdom of someone who has a very happy, very public marriage, and has weathered the media spotlight for nearly 40 years…
“Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail” – Homer Simpson.
There. Nailed it.
The rates of divorce in the UK are at their highest ever, with well over 100,000 divorces in 2023, and the stats released so far for 2024 tracking slightly higher… But, despite this, there are still way more marriages per year than divorces – with 2022 being an all-time high of 250,000 + marriages. So why do people keep lining up for this most aged of institutions?
Love, stupid! (or Stupid Love, you might say – if you’ve been through a particularly nasty divorce) People clearly still want to get married… but then… “People” are thick. “People” ask for a “Venti” rather than just say “Large,” “People” get healed by crystals, “PEOPLE” voted for Trump. So, should we really encourage them to get together, should we really encourage them to breed?
One of the reason’s people get married is to experience a happy, contented, long, looooooooooooong, life together, so let’s start there. Can being married actually prolong your life? Well, if you’re male the answer is excitingly – YES!
Men apparently live for 10-15 years longer if married than if single… GREAT – Think of all that extra time you have with your spouse! Because we ALL know that what people really aspire to – at least ten more years of hearing THE EXACT SAME VOICE that has been chewing you out for not picking up your socks for 30+ years getting a bonus 10 to really hammer home the point.
With married women in the UK, the difference in life expectancy is also longer than single women of a similar age, but only by 2.5 years… but I think that’s just because there’s someone in the house to call the ambulance…
Marriage is meant to be happy ever after, so what’s the score here? Essentially, single girls up to the age of 30 are loving life, but after age 35, they are miserable. And before you think I’ve gone all Andrew Tate on you, that’s not me saying it, It’s the Pew research centre and Chicago University. And it was an organised study, they didn’t just turn up to ask the angry women dancing together at a nearby single’s salsa class.
For men it’s very similar, not a care in the world before 30, then boom – hit 35 and you have the existential dread of ending up alone. But then, life as an over 35-year-old male is pretty much just existential dread, with the occasional building flatpack furniture. The question is, are you happier on your own, blaming yourself for your masculine inadequacies, or being with someone, who can happily take on the responsibility for blaming you…
There is however an interesting quirk to the stats, there is one other group in society who are happier being single than being married and that is women who are over 65. AKA – The age cohort of women who are just done with your shit. They apparently find tremendous liberation from jettisoning older, grumpy men who make them miserable (who knew?!) and can usually be found finding new passions in later life, like pottery classes, community art groups, and believing absolute horseshit on Facebook.
There’s one element I haven’t addressed about getting married, and that’s the day itself. Have you recently checked down the sofa for loose change? Maybe your jeans that are in the wash have a couple of abandoned tenners in the pocket? If so, will it add up to 25 GRAND??? Cos that’s how much the average wedding cost is in 2025. Sadly, the days of a quick shuffle to the registry office, then a party in the nearest village hall with the local sex case (aka wedding DJ) spinning some tunes are long gone. Like most of the world’s ills I blame the under 30s social media. Now that every experience only happened if it’s recorded via a heavily filtered “insta” picture… Gone is the wedding that involves a few Tesco sausage rolls, a booze cruise to France and a bridesmaid getting fingered by the best man in the scout hut toilets… no… it’s now all manor houses, and sunsets, and first dances with more choreography than a West End musical… And that’s if you don’t have to schlepp to some rustic hole in fricking Spain or Italy. Weddings are OUT OF CONTROL – why not just save that money for a rainy day? Or for a divorce lawyer…
Because the chances are, you are going to need one. For most of the 90s and 00’s the divorce rate hovered around 1 out of every 3 marriages. It’s now closer to 1 in 2.5 of all marriages ending in the big D…. Well, the second biggest D… (And no – I’m over 40 so I’m not referring to Dick) Because, the frankly obvious point is, if a marriage doesn’t end in divorce, it going to end up in one of you DYING… so there’s that cheery thought for you to chew over. Mind you, I should probably stop writing these stats in my congratulations card to the new bride and groom but hey ho…
If you are going to get divorced it can lead to mental health deterioration, financial hardship and the purchasing of sports cars, and hair transplants. So, you are going to be financially better off if you either DO get married and stay together forever, or never get married. Shit or bust.
And then there’s having kids – bringing them up in a stable, loving environment with two loving parents is clearly a lovely way to grow up. But then, that’s not every marriage, and bringing kids up in a house where their parents are clearly just praying for the actual big D (again, death, not dick… man, I need to work on my definitions before I start writing!) of their partner, and longing to be free, does not a happy childhood make.
So – is marriage worth it? I would say yes… to a point… It’s a risk - The stats say, for a man, to get married at 35-ish, stay together, and you will have a comfortable life, raising happy kids and having plenty of money, until you pop your clogs later than expected. For women – for your happiest life - grin and bear it for 30 years, before finally losing the dead weight around 65 (whether that’s figurative or literal)
Or ya know, stay unmarried, and just train as a divorce lawyer – because then you will win in every single way!
