Ah…. Man’s best friend… no, not an “OnlyFans” subscription and an empty house for the weekend… the traditional kind…Those little idiot balls of fur, noise and mess that bring the best out of life. They are companions, soul mates and just maybe, a brilliant photo prop for your annual relaunch on Tinder… But dogs are more than a way of looking like you are actually capable of having any feelings at all on social media... they are the creature that can turn your life into a joy filled escapade or absolute flea infested nightmare - so here's how to do dogs the Loaded way....
Pick the right dog
THIS IS VITAL. Dog breeds are like men in a pub, you can take one look at them and accurately sum up their personality and life choices. And the small ones will be psychos…
Now, if you have a big heart and get your dog from a rescue, you won’t have much choice, and that is admirable - But for everyone else, you have two main criteria in choosing a dog. 1. Personality 2. Size. (Much like your Tinder requirements - eh Ladies?)
The personality one is easy – if you are a lazy, feckless, can’t be bothered type – you need that represented in a dog – so get yourself a bulldog. It’s always made me wonder why it’s called “Bulldog spirit” or the childhood game (which was a polite way of saying “excuse for violence that would make even the hardest MMA fighter think twice”) was called British Bulldog – when to my eyes, bulldogs essentially just waddle about a bit, wheezing wherever they go…. Come to think of it – that is a bit like the blokes you’d see squaring up to each other in a Wetherspoons… maybe that definition is spot on for your average fighting brit? I digress, the actual bulldogs are little barrels on legs and are beautiful… a quick waddle around the park, looking at other dogs who can actually do things like “Run” and “Jump” and that will be enough for this little soldier.
They don’t need as much of a walk; they don’t need to be entertained too much and are a great introduction to dogs for the kind of people who think that having a gym membership is “Too much commitment”
If you are more high energy, never stop moving, and people have described you with words like “high maintenance” or “excitable” or just “sssshhhhhhhhh” then you are much more of a match for a dog like a Border Collie. They are dogs that, if they were human, would be called something like Josh, and would be that person who gets up at 5am to get in a quick 2-hour sprint run, whilst training for his ultra-Deca-triathlon, at the same time holding down a job that pays an eye swizzling amount and is universally referred to as “handsome”. Basically, the kind of guy every fibre of your body should hate – but because they are so lively – you begrudgingly like them. Their dog equivalent’s, the collie, are such good boys (or girls), like, the proper class nerd, a literal teacher’s pet who needs stimulation, loads of exercise and something to do ALL OF THE TIME. So, if your idea of playing with the dog is letting them sit on you whilst you watch a Reacher marathon… you should look elsewhere, because in that time, the Border Collie will have dug an escape tunnel, covered it with a poster, and will be off running the country or solving world hunger…
Criteria 2 is SIZE. And this is an easy one. PICK AN APPROPRIATELY SIZED DOG FOR YOU! If you live in a tiny house somewhere up high - don’t pick a massive Alsatian! If you are 5ft 6 (in heels) - don’t get a massive St Bernard’s that you could actually ride. And, don’t pick a Handbag Dog. EVER! Look, tiny Shih Tzu’s, or Chihuahua’s may look kind of cute, if you squint – but anyone who carries around a dog in a bag is a thundertwat of epic proportions. It’s borderline cruel, everyone will think that your only desire in life is to be an insta-lebrity, and that, to you, your pooch is nothing more than a photo accessory. As a rule of thumb, if your dog is small enough to be at serious risk of death by being sat on… then what you are looking to own, and should have bought, is a guinea pig… you massive child.
Pick a great name.
There are not many things you get to actually name in life, because despite what you think, naming your car, plants or genitalia is the mark of a true imbecile. You have two legitimate naming opportunities – Pets and Children… And there is no having fun with Children’s names sadly – because A: They actually have to live with whatever brain fart you come up with and B: Social services watch birth certificates like a hawk – the first sign of a joke “Adolf” and you’ll soon only see your children through a glass partition.
But pets, and in particular, dogs, are ripe for a great name. The names we’re all about are ‘footballer from the 80’s’ names. Clive! Gerry! Trevor! Anything that wouldn’t be out of place on the social media feed of someone “who just wants their country back.” I also like puns, and the random full names of characters from movies/TV…
For you, dear reader, I’ve gone to the trouble of making a list of excellent dog names to use… You’re welcome…
“Who’s a good BOY!?”
Alan, Colin, Graham, Dave, Nigel, Cthulhu – Destroyer of Worlds, Arnie, Dr Peter Venkman, Gary, The Earl of Berkshire, Craig, Tony Soprano, Morris, David Barkham, Rasputin, Mumm-ra the Ever Living, Michael Barkinson and Bouncer off of Neighbours (but only if he’s a Labrador retriever)
Girl dogs is a bit trickier… yes to Iconic characters/celebs, particularly from soaps, yes to old, old names… but also think there’s room for camp celebs as well…
“Who’s a good GIRL?”
Rosie, Catherine the Great, Bet Lynch, Elsie, Helen Daniels, Victoria Barkham, Nigella, Enid, Sigourney Weaver, Edna, She-Ra, Madge Bishop, Evil Lyn, Lynne, Grotbags, Camilla Parker Bowles…
But, if you have them, don’t let your kids name them, lest you’ll be wandering the streets shouting “Tay-Tay!” at the top of your voice!
Treat them like a dog.
Now this may come to a news flash to some people but…. Dogs are not humans… I KNOW! Retire to fainting couch! Despite what some owners would have you believe – Dog’s shouldn’t…. drumroll – sleep on your bed, eat food off your plate, be forced to dress up in an elf costume at Christmas (though I grant you that when they look put upon and sad, wearing some monstrosity their owner has crammed them into – it would take a heart of stone not to laugh!)
People – NO! Who is in charge – You – The actual adult human? Or the DOG? Grab that control back! Some friends of mine, a couple, have two dogs, and they recently looked after a third for another friend. When it came to bedtime – THEY LITERALLY SLEPT IN SEPARATE BEDS SO THAT THE DOGS HAD ENOUGH SPACE!!! I mean…. What the…????!
Try and train them.
Look, were not talking Britain’s Got Talent level of expertise, where the dog trainer has normally sacrificed hours of time, sunlight, and any physical contact with a member of the opposite sex, just so that they can dance in front of the plastic sheet that used to be Simon Cowell’s face and the ex-rapper from Mis-Teeq… Nor are we talking Crufts, which, though admirable as it is, is basically an AL Qaeda training camp, but for Tories… But you should cover off the basic commands... Sit. Lie Down. No. NOOO! Get Back Here. Get Back Here Now. Get Back Here Now I Swear to God. Put That Down. Don’t Roll in That. Leave that Grandma’s Leg Alone.
Get them done (EG. the big Snip/Scoop).
Unless you live on a farm, are a professional breeder (of non-dubious motives) or really know what you are doing. The last thing you want is your precious “Sparkle” - the Shih Tzu, to be absolutely beasted by “Dave” - the Cocker Spaniel, and a little while later, present you with 6 little “SparkleDave’s” to find a new home for… not least because their mongrel name would be “a ShitCock”, “a Shiter Spaniel” or a “Cockshit” …. So do the world, the RSPCA, and the bin in the alley behind Tesco’s a favour, by getting your dog spayed…
Don’t get more than three dogs.
Unless you run a shelter, or those dogs work for you in some way – keep it normal.
1-3 dogs = fine
3+ dogs = Clear emotional cry for help and your house is a hot bed of either fleas or rabies (or both)
And that’s the official Loaded position – remember – this advice is not entirely serious, or endorsed by any of the major animal rescue charities. But, if you are disturbed by anything I have written today, please feel free to email me at I’[email protected]
