Well done, you’ve ditched a fizzy piss normal lager for the Black stuff you were scared of and have since realised tastes like a bit of frothy milk and chocolate and is only 4% and less calories than most other pints. Fucking finally. We are so very proud of you. You absolute connoisseur, you crate digger of the palette, you Christopher Colombus of the local pub. 

You scientist, perched there inspecting the head you know even less about than the other kind of head, checking the consistency as though you’re a chemical engineer looking for inconsistencies in the atoms. Looking like a twat who wants to fit in and is blindly trying to convince themselves they have taste. We are so very proud of you. But are you ready to broaden your dry stout game, yet? 

You should be. Just drinking Guinness is like just eating ready salted crisps your whole life. It’s good, it hits the spot, it’s simple and reliable and nice, but how about we live a little? There are hundreds of dry stouts. Ireland has a few good ones, but so do other places. We’re about to show you some. We will hold your hand and go pretty normal and comfortable here, for the most part, don’t worry. 

Murphy’s (4%) 

Guinness is obviously unrivalled as far as stout popularity goes. The gap between it and the second-most popular stout is larger than the gap between a starting premier league keeper and their back-up. Night and day. But second by way of popularity in Ireland, is probably Murphy’s. Guinness’ rival if such a thing was possible, coming from Cork. You will find this in England if you seek it out (The Lord Nelson, Southwark; Kelly’s Dispensary, Liverpool for example). The stuff comes blacker than black, very little carbonation (that’s fizziness to you), and it has a bit of a caramel coffee note in there that you could argue makes it more flavourful and dessert-y than Guinness, which is actually a bit fruity by comparison. 

Beamish (4.1%)

Less easy to find than Murphy’s outside of Ireland, it's one to strike upon if you happen to chance it (also in can form). A whole 0.1% stronger than the other two (careful now) this also is a little thicker in consistency and has a strong chocolate note. It’s roastier too. Not massively, it’s not like accidentally mouthing the end of a Turkish coffee, but you might notice a bigger depth of flavour, be brave. 

London Black (4.4%) 

This is a porter, and nobody knows the difference except me, it seems, so we’ll put it in this article because you’ll increasingly find it throughout London and treat it with blind ignorance otherwise. Call this public awareness. Guinness is a dry stout, London Black is a porter. A porter is generally made with malted barley, stouts aren’t and this means they have a bit of a different taste to each other. Generally, porters are thinner than stouts, and possibly feel fizzier. A London Black is a very stout-y porter though, as it uses ‘Nitro’ giving it that small bubble thing like a Guinness (this is why the head looks that way unlike a lager’s). Porters are usually a little more hoppy too, giving them a bitter edge where stouts are creamy, they can sometimes have a whiff of IPA about them, but are still mainly going to taste of dark roasted coffee and chocolate. This stuff’s all over the place in London (arguably the home of the porter), and is made by a small independent brewery. So give it a go with an open mind. 

Cheers. Gártha. Etc.